I have found love again! Who is it this time, I hear you ask. Be patient. Shebi your name na Patience. First and foremost I must tell you I have been searching for a while now. You sabi say on the day a miner is employed to mine for diamonds, there is no assurance that he will ever see a precious stone, yet he signs on the dotted line and starts digging.

My sister, I have been digging for months. Through dirt, stones and assorted poto-poto but I kept on digging. My persistence has paid off and I am now deep deep deeply in love. My sister, you cannot remove me from the depths into which I have sunk. I doubt you have the length of rope and engineering equipment required to salvage your brother. Me sef, I don’t want to be rescued.

‘Wetin she give you chop?’, I hear you ask. Why must every Naija think say dem give you chop eh?

Anyway I don research love on the internet and one professor of love talk say love na mental illness and me sef agree. I don colo reach ground. When I dey waka for road na laugh I dey laugh to myself. This happiness na real incongruous joyfulness o!

Professor come talk say men marry their mothers and women their fathers. Na word bi dat o!

Mai sister, you sabi dat picture wey mama take when she be ayounge. Real Lepa Shandy, yellow laik paw-paw Ekaprame beauty. You remember? If you no remember, talk make I scan am and e –mail to you. Anyway, this Okpeke wey don tief mai heart, na mama carbon copy. To God who made me. (Ah-ah, how yellow Fanta woman go breast feed me then I go come marry Black Maltina. God no go gree dat one o!)

I come believe this professor so tey, I calculate say this Okpeke go wan marry im papa, na im I send my guys for Las Gidi make dem go get me the low down on this girl im papa. No do no do , dem done see di man for City people and Ovation magazine come scan am and e-mail am to me (Praise da Lord for technology).

My sister, when I receive the pictures, na straight to tailor haus o! You sabi that material wey dem dey call Atiku. My sister, na fourteen up and down I sew. Two per day of the week. I dey baff come nak one for morning. 2pm nak, I don re-baff come nak the second one. If you see me you go think say na West African Pop idol I dey contest! To pursue woman no easy o! I dey pour perfume for bodi laik say na pormade. I don go dentist for scaling and polishing (God forbid bad breath when time to kiss reach).  Make I no digress, the style wey this Omoge papa sew for magazines na im I sew.

From tailor na to barber. Wo, dem barber me the style wey dey dis girl papa head, come even dye smol grey hair join am.

From there na to my friend Tony house. You sabi Tony now. Dat one wey dey No 6 wey dey tief people pant wey dem hang for sun. Ah, the guy man don change o. E don born again now even become deacon for church. I digress.

My sister, Tony pray on top mai head o! E pray say no man  born of woman go fit come between me and God purpose for my life (dis fine Omoge). My sister, when I shout amen there eh, see how Tony Oyinbo neighbour run out dey fear. My sister, the violent taketh it by force o! No bi only mi get good eye to shadow babe. If I no dey spiritually aggressive, one sharp guy fit come snatch the babe from under my nose.

After prayer now, I commot all the Ovation and City people wey I carry. I come begin dey try perm this my prospective fada in law smile in front of mirror. Tony just dey coach me. My sister, four hours later I get the smile correct. Se you see say I suppose be Holly or Nolly wood actor eh? All dis book wey papa force us read. By now na Nicholas Cage and John Travolta I for dey follow play Ludo dey chop ground nut and Banana for Hollywood. WAEC ko WAEC ni!

Talking of Banana, me I don compose song for the Baby o. You sabi dat Papa im 45 disc by Harry Belafonte. Banana boat song. Ah, I don do love remix.

Babe . I say Babe O

She’s so pretty can I take her home

Babe. I say Babe, I say Babe, I say Babe, I say Babe, I say Babe O

She’s so pretty can I take her home.

This girl is Yoruba

Loves Dolce Gabana

She’s so pretty can I take her home

Yellow like Banana

She’s so pretty can I take her home

This woman sweet

She sweet like honey

She’s so pretty can I take her home

Di woman tall

She gat flat tummy

She’s so pretty can I take her home

My sister, tell the truth and let the devil be ashamed, the song no sweet? Oho. You think say na ordinary eye? Beauty is in the contact lens of the beholder o!

Anyway, when I nak my Atiku baffs come visit the babe fully equipped with my Papa-in-law-dash-me smile and hair cut, the babe jell. She even come talk say, ‘You remind me of a man I know’. I come smile smoll smoll laik say nothing nothing.

Ah, see how she just come dey gree mai own now. Even me sef, na she I wan dey please round the clock. Even for dream sef, when I wan play music, na the one she laik I dey play.

No bi last week she say biscuit dey hungry am, I go Tesco come charter every brand wey dey. E say e no laik dat kain biscuit, say na Okin biscuit e want. My sister, na so I buy ticket come Naija. I tell dem for work say Ijaw boys don kidnap all my family for ransom (Chai! I don comit sin o!)

I don buy 20 cartoons of Okin biscuit. People for market dey ask weda I dey go open shop for Jand. I begin laff, come go dey sing for dem

My Lepa is over di ocean

My Lepa is over da sea

My Lepa is over di ocean

O bring back my Lepa to me

Bring back, bring back

Bring back my Lepa to me to me

Bring back, bring back

Bring back my Lepa to me.

Come see market traders dey shake head. Some even talk say na Cocaine dey do me. My sister, little did they know. Wetin dis girl don do me pass cocaine double. She don tief all my heart go. Infact, if care is not taken I go report her to Nuhu. You sabi Nuhu now. EFCC. Ah, I hear say dat man fit sniff out tief with im eyes closed. Ah ah, even one women for Ebutte Meta wey fish miss from im pot, she ring Nuhu, the man just text back the name of the tief and the hand wey e put for the pot. Wonderful!

Dis girl don steal mai heart put am for Swiss account, but sister, to God who made me, I no want the heart back. Dis love dey sweet me o!

Infact na Muritala airport I dey now dey e mail you for internet café. I don check in all the Okin biscuit wey I buy. I even see the Babe papa for Encomium magazine, I buy o. I go still get to study the man face well. Abi make I do like Micheal Jackson ? You sabi say before e marry Elvis Prestly pickin, e do plastic surgery to turn imself into Oyinbo.

My sister, in case I decide on Plastic surgery, dat money wey we say we go dey send mama every month end, well, I go withdraw o. You sabi say plastic surgery fit cost. I know say you go abuse me well well for this part of the letter. Same to you!!!

 I no go mama haus when I come dis trip o. I take God beg you, no let mama here say I come Lagos come buy biscuit and I no visit her. She fit disown me for dat o.

Barry White don talk am - see the problem with me…. Love na problem wey need solution o. Na problem I dey. Big problem.  Sister, my problem na love.