Dear My Sister,

I hail o. Thanks for the money. I asked for 4K and you sent 5K. God bless you.

But greet mai brother in law. In fact give am hot love. You sabi now. Warri girl no dey come last. The kain love wey go make the man run from room go sleep on top couch for parlour. I sabi say your stingy self no go drop moni laik dat. Talk true , na yua husband moni you teif send mi. It’s all good. Old people talk say poor papa na destiny but poor brother in law na stupid sister. You marry well. I pray make yua coffee dey do di man laik Viagra daily. E ro ra Miliki sha.

My sister, gist dey. I don go on the first date with my love in my new Infiniti jeep. Na Chinese we go chop. Na smol she chop so I crape my plate come level her own join. My sister na 1.75 plates man wak o.

Even grapes sef na only three she chop. As I dey look di grapes dey go through her parted lips, through those perfectly arranged teeth, mai heart dey do mi gbosa-gbosa-gbosa laik Ijaw boys automatic machine guns. Mai mind dey confused. I come dey imagine say make I pull take table cloth and plates commot, come  put her for table, come open im belle, put all the grapes for im navel then begin dey chop am one by one with mai mouth. Sister, I dey alright or na so dis thing dey catch persin? I digress.

 This babe dey perfectly compatible with mai longa throat disposition. If you see where I loose belt there eh. When we dey school dat time na coefficient of linear expansion we dey call di way mai belle overstep boundary.  When I stand up finally, e bi laik 6 months pregnancy.

I commot restaurant waka go one black Benz begin do the remote control key but notin dey happen. Na im I begin struggle with the door. Next thing car alarm blow and one Oyinbo man run out dey shout. Na dat time I remember say na Infiniti jeep I drive go there. When police appear in a few seconds , na sweat I dey sweat. How dem go come lock mi up in front of  mai Omoge ?Wetin dem go talk for village? Me wey wan contest 2011 election for Delta State. Na so I dey stammer. I no even know where I park again. Na Omoge explain to police, everybody begin laff. Me I frown o.

We reach inside car na im I put Gbedu to coolu temper. You sabi now. Resonance. Fire, fire dey e e, fire fire dey e e. Fire burn dem…along di way e e…

Na true. All those witches wey wan spoil mai love , Holy Ghost fire burn dem. You no talk amen?

Till we drive reach her haus , na so  Omoge laff mi. She say I dey too funny. I come rememba say if you make woman laff, na good sign, so me sef come relax dey laff as di belle dey sweet mi gradually gradually.

Mai sister, I don discover one thing. Mai life e juss begin. Babawilly don different. I don see say mai life na two parts. Before Lepa; (BL) and After Lepa; (AL). Ehen, I know say you go talk say na lie. Say you baff with me when we smol, say we chop cane togeda and waka go primary school togeda. You see all dat life wey I been dey live, all dat time na rehearsal I dey do. All dat na BL life. Level don change for AL dispensation.

Make I continue tori.

When I dey drive am home I come take long road. I dey look the babe with mai corner eye dey see how she dey sway to the music. Her hair dey flow for breeze. Lip stick red like dat Palm oil mama dey take cook Owo soup. If to say na Lagos, shebi I go park, buy fried yam for road side come rub am on her lip stick, come chop am. Her perfume dey scent the whole car. I sure say if dis sisi mess e go smell like Eternity by Calvin Klein. I dey intoxicated with love o. If police come stop mi, I got fail breath test o.

 I dey cloud nine dey approach di edge of di universe. I don loss finish. My sister, one time I look Omoge nearly jam back of car in front of mi. She come scream grab mai hand when I slam brake down. I no even care if the Infiniti jeep scratch. Na mai hand wey she touch come dey excite my bodi. Mai sister, I dey craze?

Friends dey tell mi say na only marriage go cure dis disease but I dey fear propose. I know say you don abuse mi for dis part of the letter. Same to you!!

So you think say I bi woman lappa eh? Me? No woman fit boss mi around o. Make I tell you, if she give mi her underwear make I go dey wash with Omo, na dat time she go see say I get rebellious streak. Dictate to mi ke? One time I go wash the pata with Surf. Na mi dem go command which kain detergent I go use? Tuffia. You sabi say yua brother tough well well.

Ehen, back to the drive. Was a full moon. You know say yua brother dey craze every full moon. (Not Aro craze but romantic craze) The stars dey shine but none shine reach mai girl. No cloud for sky. Infinity CD come start. Nigeria… You sabi the song now. Smol time for the middle of di gbedu one pickin begin dey recite National pledge. Omoge say ‘how cute’ , come begin clean corner eye dey cry. Ah, the smol pickin begin sing Oh Nigerian, was what I was born to be…

Me sef begin cry. Wetin dey do mi? I begin imagine say na awa daughter dey sing for primary school production. Wetin make I call awa daughter. Love  or Lepa Mark 2? My emotions dey run laik molue wey no get brake.

My sister, I know say you think say na obsession I get. But if Pele or Jay Jay Okocha think football every minute, na wetin you go call am? Na destiny and proffession. Mi o, na mai destiny to love mai Lepacious darling. Na mai ordained work bi dat. I have been equipped and empowered to care for, cherish and treasure my sweet Lepacious Omoge. She’s the only Agbalumo in mai pocket, the sweet coconut in mai coconut rice. Ah ah, I say she is di rudder of mai love boat, the epicentre of my existence and the terrorist in mai Naija Delta (I speak in riddles make yua pickin no decode). She is mai MEND (Marital Enjoyment No Divorce).

My sister, abeg make you and mummy begin plan colour scheme for wedding reception. I no fit hold mai self again. I go propose tomorrow. But wait first, you fit send mi poison? Good one o, proper quality. No bi di one wey persin go chop den go suffer for intensive care and still no die. Strong one wey go kill at once. You see, mai sister, if I propose and she no gree , I go chop bad thing. Because why, for dis AL dispensation, na so I dey sing am.

If  I can’t have you

I don’t want no other Lepa

If I can’t have you

No no no

No

Your Brother Crazy in Love,

Babawilly