Dear My Sister,

Panic not. Ah-ah. Can’t you take a joke? Just because I mentioned poison you then carry go mention to Mama. Now di woman dey mai haus. She arrive from Las Gidi yesterday. Now  I no fit dey go on dates laik before. Mama say na 1 year Visa dem give am. My sister, Mama go come play with you smol o for Texas bicos mi, I no send o.Mai relationship dey sensitive stage and mi I need quality time with my love.

Na you and yua big mouth cause dis panic. Now mama say na mi muss to buy her ticket as na mi frighten di family into sending her down to look her son. Na you go pay mai sister. Na you cause panic. Anyway make we no argue.

 

Dem don sack mi from Sunday teacher work o. Na mai fault sha. Na Memory verse scandal some people dey call am. You see, Pastor talk make everybody learn James 1:13. You sabi am now..When tempted, no-one should say, God is tempting me for God cannot be tempted with evil…

 

Mai sister , when I dey type Sunday school programme on Saturday night , dey listen to Barry White, I no know the time I type Songs of Solomon 1:13. Dat one e strong well well.

 

..My lover is to me a sachet of myrrh resting between my breasts.

 

My sister, for the first time in the history of the children’s church, everyone learnt memory verse o. Even one 2 year old, im brothers teach am.

 

Dem summon mi before elders. My sister, I come dey laff. I hear the allegations but na mai Lepa face I dey see. Dem say na toilet I go dey clean. I come make mistake ask ‘Male or female toilet?’. Mi I ask for information but dem look mi with eye bad like say I get bad thing for mind. (No bi Idris Mohammed sing dat song…Oh Lord, Please don’t let me be misunderstood?) I know say for dia mind na ‘get thee behind me satan’ dem dey think. Dem demote mi to car park. Na there I dey 2 weeks till dem come sack mi pata pata. You see, I been dey direct traffic but I reserve space next to mai Infiniti jeep for my Lepa. Pastor wife come arrive late ask if space dey. I say no (Technically I was not lying as the only space next to my Infinity Jeep was reserved for my Lepacious darling). Na dat day Pastor wife carry plenty books come church, but I no know. She go pack 5 streets away. As she dey struggle to  waka come with her plenty load and children she see me dey direct Lepa into the parking space with a smile on mai face.

 

My sister, as I dey type so, I no get role for church again o. Pastor say I must appear im haus for counselling. Even mama no happy with mi. I juss dey laff dem. Love don anaesthetise mai brain. All di parents for church dey look mi bad eye say I teach dia pickin wrong memory verse. Na wetin sef. Na mi write Bible?  Dis thing fit affect mai wedding presents o.

 

I dey too absent minded when I dey in love sef. Remember dat time in 1983. I been dey make breakfast for Papa. I fry egg, do ogi plus slice bread, dey sing love songs. I come set table den tell Papa say food don readi.

 

 Smol time the man shout ‘Wilson!’ I say shuo, na wetin. I come run go meet am.

E tell mi make I eat the egg. I chop am. E taste bitter. Na dat time I come rememba sat mama put Kerosine inside old vegetable oil tin.

 

Instead make papa shout ‘Haleluyah’ say im pickin, the first medical student in the family, fry  perfect egg in hot kerosene and explosion no kill am, e begin look mi laik say I wan poison am. Ah ah. Papa suppose know say the first rule of poisoning persin na say the poison must be tasteless and odourless. If I wan kill am na kerosene I go use?

 

If to say dat thing explode, how I for take win Mr Uniben eh? No bi scar for full mai face. I for even fit pai sef.  No bi today God don dey save yua broada o. I digress.

My point is no bi today bobbi dey front and Bakassi dey back. Love too dey distract mi. Now for church, any sermon I hear, na the love angle mi I dey see.

 

For example now, Pastor dey preach about Moses and the children of Isreal as dem leave Egypt cross Red Sea enter Canaan land. From no where Bob Marley begin play for mai brain.

 

Exodus.

Movement of Jah people.

 

I no know how my mind travel there sha, but I come see say the Jah people  na mi and Canaan land na mai beautiful Lepa. All di witches na di Phoroah wey no wan let Babawilly go. Holy Ghost fire burn dem...Fire dey e e e ..along di way…

Now mai sister, tell mi how mai mind reach there.

 

Anyway, as dem don sack mi from Sunday school, I don dey get time to study Bible love.

 

You sabi sabi awa late Papa na Jacob, so na there I start. Love wan titi. Chai. Jacob and Rachel na typology of mi and mai Lepa. E love her so tey, e work seven years for her but the years be laik days because of di love. Mai sister, wetin you go do if I say I dey go work for mai fada in law clinic for seven years because of my undying love for mai Omoge? Dey see patients all day, dey do operation for dia family hospitu when I neva establish mai own.

 

But one thing comes to light for dis Jacob and Rachel tori; men na Mumu. Dem dress up Rachel for wedding ceremony but for night dem switch babes give Jacob Leah. My sister, the guy man do till day break and e no sabi say no bi di waif e love. Haba! Women sef  tough o. You sabi say at some point for night Jacob for dey say , ‘Oh Rachel’ or what ever dem dey talk in those days. The Leah sef go dey answer back like say she be Rachel.

 

Ah ah, di guy man no fit hear di voice? If the tables (or beds) were turned, you think say Rachel go dey bed then one kain man were no bi Jacob go enter room, talk say ‘I’m bringing sexy back’, jump enter bed, and she no go know. Na lie o. Man smart but woman smarter.

 

Na morning time Jacob eye clear. I no need to tell you di jamz wey e jam gi im fada in law.

 

You gi mi waif

But yu take am back

I been no know say

You go do mi so

I been come meet yu

To give mi back mai moni

 

Na wa. Yu sabi say Papa copy of dis Prince Nico Mbarga LP dey here with mi. No shakings.

 

My sister, as I love my Lepa each, if im sister appear for night on honey moon mi I no go know bicos I bi mumu man. Also, I no sabi di taste bicos I no go do anything before honeymoon night. (I don learn my lesson).

 

To prove mai mumuness, last year I dey Selfridges, I come dey shadow one woman with perfect shape from behind. She stand with perfect poise and wear fantastic baffs. I look so tay, so I say make I waka pass her see if the face match the figure. My sister, I look di face and na Mannequin! Plastic dolly na im I dey lust. Next thing  I begin peep the cleavage. I look round and nobody dey look me na im I tip toe spy the bobbi to see if nipple dey. My sister, I loss balance, next minute I dey floor on top mannequin and im left leg fall commot. Shame wey catch mi dat day eh. Na 2 day fasting I do to cure dis mai eye wey I dey take track babes. God don heal mi. Babes don leave mai mind. I don forsake all babes on earth. Every single one of them with di exception of mai beautiful Lepa.

 

Man no get sense at all. Abeg no show mai brother in law dis mail o. Make e no come dey fear which kain family im marry waif from.

 

Ehen. Which time make Mama come Texas. Lepa mama dey come tomorrow and na mi go dey take her shopping  everyday and I wan really impress her. Sister no vex but you fit western unionize me 1K? I know say you go abuse mi for dis part of the letter. Same to you!!

 

Your bros Crazy in love

 

Babawilly