Dear My Sister,

It takes a whole village to chase a woman! See you, a true free born daughter of Ukuagbe.  An Urhobo maiden (before you begin born laik say na Olympic event) of the highest calibre; the only sister I have, you gaan , you come send mi 2K when I ask for 1K. I hail a second time. I promise you 2 wine bottles and double Kola when you take your place on the high table at the wedding.

You know mai sister, when a man is introduced as a potential suitor, awa people go say where e from come. Why? You know now. The village na the genetic pool and the man na the representative  sample. Sodiafor persin wey sabi how cow bi go fit understand the shaki wey dey for plate. So if you wan sabi skaki, you must know from where Malu originate. (Hope di riddle and proverb no too much).

 Forget all dis yeye politically correct people wey dey complain about stereotype. Na poverty dey do dem. If persin see you for Bently come stereotype you as rich, wetin concern government inside dat one.

Di perceived wayo wey people think say Urhobo man get, e full mai bodi remain. Na all dis  wayo for di Urhobo nation na im I dey take chase woman and you mai sister bi mai financial backer. Shebi you rememba say we come from di same village? I know say you marry Yoruba and your Ukodo never reach mama standard yet but na di same tribe we bi.

I cannot pretend. I dey trouble. I don buy plenty designer for prospective moda in law and she don go back Naija. Na so di woman rock mai infiniti jeep thoway. She even release bottle of groundnut from her bag dey chop for mai jeep! Mi wey no let mai mama chop her hypertension medesin for inside mai car as ‘No drinking allowed’. As di groundnut dey fall for the car, my eye red. To chase woman hard o! I no fit complain say mai jeep dey dorti.  I pretend dey smile dey follow her sing Paul Play. You sabi now.

Mo so ri re o

E le da mi

Modupe o.

Mai sister, I spend all mai money on dis woman. When I go dey reach home late mama go dey say ‘Where have you been’ laik say I still dey school. Mai sister come carry your mama go Houston o. Mi, I no send.

I say I dey trouble. I get love rival. The guy man dey play for Premiership club and im 1 month salary plenty pass mai 1 year pay.

I no dey sleep again o. This one no guud. Na Oedipus complex by proxy abi na wetin? You sabi now. Oedipus fall in love with im mama but jealous say im papa dey press im mama for nait. Na im Oedipus kill im Papa come marry im Mama. This Oedipus na real Greek juju o, but di thing na true. I juss dey imagine say smol pox catch dis footballer, plus strong Okiripkoto chop all im nyansh plus make Apollo attack both im eyes. Na wetin. This love dey soon turn peaceful man into a hateful man with bad violent thoughts towards im rival. Mai sister , if to say I no bi Christian I for don jazz di guy well well.

I no even know how mai Omoge meet footballer o. Na so so text message di guy dey send.

Last week I dey her haus and door bell nak. I open door and e bi laik say di forest of Ughelli don move reach Warri (shebi you read Macbeth now; the witches prophesy). Na so so flower. 3 people deliver almost 20 bunches of flower for mai Omoge. If you see the way di girl rush mi , begin dey kiss mi, you go think say na Hollywood set we dey. By now my brain been don loss. When the flower people begin cough, na im we remember say we no dey alone. She sign for flower dem comot. The whole parlour dey smell flower.

Na dat time I come see say she think say na mi send flower. She begin read the cards wey dey flower out loud.

‘Beautiful Roses for a beautiful woman’ she talk come dey look mi corner eye. My sister , I even think say na you send di flower in mai name. Next minute she talk, ‘oh, it is J who sent it’ she juss hiss go sidon infront of TV.

‘Who is J?’ I asked. As I don see J handiwork my liver come fail mi pata pata. Na only once I buy flower for dis babe as I think say Naija babe no laik flower. If to say sugar cane dey , I for dey buy for am. (Na joke I dey o, bifor you begin abuse yua broad).

‘We grew up together. He keeps pestering mi’ she frown.

I come dey eye di envelope wey dey table. By now I come dey fear say di baby dey two time mi. I wan piss for bodi. Mai heart dey run laik Chidi Imo and Modupe Oshikoya combined.

‘Wouldn’t you open your envelope?’ I asked. Mi I wan see weda love note dey. Mai sister, by now I dey contemplate which one I go choose; to jump under trailer or inside River Thames.

As Omoge dey open envelope , e do mi laik those best Actor Oscar award dem envelope. I no even fit breathe. Di girl open envelope look inside come hiss.

‘How original. Match tickets’.

I come look am. My sister na Arsernal di guy team wan play and e put director’s box tickets for two. Ah! My sister, shame no dey o. If I go loose dis babe, I might as well kuku enjoy the match.

‘Tear those rubbish tickets jo’ Omoge talk. Mai hand begin shake.

On the day of di match, di steward dem don sabi mai number plates na im dem direct mi as VIP. Mai bodi swell. Omoge and mi nak heavy casual  baffs. When I put mai infiniti jeep for di allotted parking space, next to Hummer wey big laik elephant wey get belle, I loose heart. I read di number plate, see mai rival name. Eh, if to say na Lagos, I for ask area boys to leak im tyres. Mai Infiniti jeep come resemble Udi hill next to Kilimanjaro.

Dis bobo don play mi psychological mind game.

Twenty minutes into match, J tear shot wey wan put hole for net. As e score so everybodi craze for stadium, even mai omoge. No bi im J come run come tanda infront of Directors box , come pull shirt commot. Mai sister, di six pack wey I see eh, shame catch mi. I begin suck mai belle in but di stupid Apku belle no gree enta.

How I go fit compete with dis, na im I begin think. The guy hand na meat. Im leg na bigger meat. My sister, if starving loin appear for directors box, look mi look J, im go run past mi go chop J for field. Na so so muscle dey bulge everywhere. Even di guy byah byah gather muscles.  Ehen, no bi Diana Ross sing on behalf of all women

I want muscles!

 I don dey totally oppressed, both physically, emotionally and financially.

Na so di crowd begin sing di guy man name and my Omoge follow dey sing. Dis babe neva sing mai name since I meet am. Jealousy twist mi sotey, tears wan commot.

Anguish na im I come dey. Proper conflicting emotions na im I experience. Sammy Okposo voice dey ring for one ear

If Jesus says yes

Nobody can say no.

For di other ear , na Micheal Jackson

She’s out of my life

I don’t know weather to laugh or cry

I don’t know weather to live or die

It cuts like a knife

She’s out of my life.

Full time whistle reach, dem carry J shoulder high.

We come go the big man restaurant to mingle with other Director dem. Na mi bi di only persin wey no bi millionaire for di place. (Pounds o, not Naira).  A whole mi wey I been dey think say I bi Bobo come get all mai confide reduced to di size of Ameoba wey get no shape. Omoge looked extra pretty eh, everybody juss dey look am.

Smol time player begin return from shower in heavy suits dey mingle with directors and big men dem.

When J arrive, my sister, and Omoge introduce us, the hand shake wey di guy man give me eh, e bi laik di guy cut fire wood well well for Enugu befor e arrive England. Ah! The guy wan crush all my metacarpals and fingers with vice grip hand shake. Remain smol I for bite im ear commot laik Tyson do Holyfield. I no go fit examine patient for 2 weeks now with this hand.

If you see di guy watch eh. Eh swell laik 4 months pregnancy. Na real bling bling Chris Aire watch. Na so I dey look.

When di guy begin talk here, laff wan catch mi. Raps no dey im mouth. And I know say mai Omoge laik raps. Confido begin reappear.

Persin call J say BBC wan interview am, im excuse imself.

‘I wish you had his money’ Omoge whispher.

‘I wish I had his six pack’ I whispher back.

‘I love you’ Omoge talk. I no believe as she come reach out to mi begin kiss mi. Ah!

Dis girl don turn Oyinbo finis. Naija woman dey kiss for public?

I see J look us with corner eye begin frown into BBC camera.

Na God save mi.

Prince Nico Mbarga don sing am

Cow wey no get tail

Na God dey drive am fly

God no dey sleep o

Your brother Crazy in love

Babawilly