These are snippets of conversations I have with my family over the course of three weeks during my trip home to Nigeria...  Players are my Mother, Aunty A (a wealthy corporate woman with a lazy husband), Sister B (a family friend on the verge of divorcing her 5th husband).  Lil Sis (new bride and an investment banker).  Big Sis (married with 5 children to a total asshole with money).

 

The scenario unfolds…

 

 

Mother: You have to think of settling down. You are the only girl left in the family

 

Aunty A: It is important to see you settled

 

Me (with frown on my face): you constantly complain of your husband, why are you encouraging me to jump in

 

Aunty A: Because marriage is important

 

Sister B: Yes oh!  The power of prayer is important when you reach this crucial point

 

Big Sis: Amen!!!

 

Me (shaking my head): No, please.  I will not take advice from people in shitty marriages

 

Mother: It is crucial you marry

 

Me (outright laughter): Please, if I had my way we would annihilate all men!  Waste of air - all of them.

 

Aunty A: True but we need men in our lives, for children, a family, a home…

 

Sister B: It is to honor God

 

Me: In your case, your were honoring God five times abi?

 

Lil Sis: If I have my way, I would rather stay single and fabulous but, after a lot of thinking and risk assessment, it was time to get hitched (she looks at her engagement bling like it is a meteorite from space)

 

Big Sis (looks at Lil Sis with vague amusement and snorts): Humph!

 

Me (under my breathe): F*©^ all men!

 

Sister B: Ogene!  Whoooo!  Don't say that.  Hah!

 

Me: How can you tell me get married when your husband treats you like dirt?

 

Sister B: Enh, But I am praying for a better one for you.

 

Me: Abstain from praying for me.  From your track record, God is getting the wrong messages and you might screw mine up too

 

Mother:  You have to settle down.  Give me the names of all your suitors and we will pray over it

 

Me (raising eye brows): What will be the signal?

 

Aunty A: What signal?

 

Me: That Mr. A, B or C is who God chose for me

 

Sister B: It does not work that way.  You know deep in your heart who is right for you, that is how God works

 

Me (shaking my head at how it is possible I am related to these people): Well, deep in my heart, the single life is what God is saying to stick to for now. 

 

Mother (crosses herself): God forbid!

 

Aunty A: You scare me when you say things like that.  Don't you want to leave your father's house?

 

Me (laughing): I already left.  I am just visiting

 

Sister B: We mean to go to your husband's house.

 

Me: The house Aunty A is living in now is her house, the one she built with her hard earned money, so technically is that her husband's house, or did that lazy man only contribute curtains, enh?

 

Sister B (looking at Mother): Ogene me!  Mama you don born!

 

(Mother sighs and leaves the room.)

 

 I win the war but the battle had just begun.  Find out what happens next when I am dragged to see a Holy Man