Well, I got to the embassy by Metro and like the African Big Man that I am, I was ushered past security into a big hall like this full of about 300 Nigerians that looked like me. They were all dressed in business suits they had obviously bought from Wal-Mart. The yeye people, not one of them wore "native." Apparently, they all had the same idea as me; they chose to brand themselves by wearing oyinbo suits. What happened to our heritage? This is an outrage! I did not understand why I was in the same room as 300 other people. There was a deejay playing high life music. There was orishi rishi food in aluminum foil platters and there was an all-you-can-drink cocktail bar. But no Yar'Adua! I could not find Professor Bolaji Aluko, it was so hard to recognize anyone, we all looked alike. I knew this was a mistake. Someone was going to come for me. I kept listening for my name to be called, I kept waiting to be extricated from this mass of yeye losers for my one-on-one meeting with my good friend Yar'Adua. Whossai! The next thing I knew a large man took the microscope and announced that The President of Nigeria was coming into the room. Like magic President Yar'Adua appeared looking small in the middle of a huge posse of rather large men, personal staff assistants, special staff assistants, etcheteram, etcheteram. President Yar'Adua went to the front of the room and we were made to sing Nigeria's national anthem and then the large man apologized to America because we could not sing America's national anthem because just like the Nigerian anthem we had just murdered, no one could remember the words to the American national anthem. Apparently, the protocol in diplomatic circles is to sing the American national anthem after our own, something to do with something called colonial mentality. One dude, drunk like a skunk on the embassy's cheap booze, actually tried to sing Nkosi Sikelel' iAfrika but was unsuccessful.

Well, I can say this about Yar'Adua. He is a very nice man unlike that yeye former president Aremu Obasanjo. Unlike Obasanjo, Yar'Adua is very presidential, that is the first thing that you notice about him. In the fifteen long minutes he was with me, sorry all 300 of us, he never once dug into his butt with his fingers like Obasanjo would do on National TV. Unlike Obasanjo, he did not pick stock fish and ewedu from his teeth with his fingers and empty the contents on a Personal Staff Assistant's suit. Unlike yeye Obasanjo, he never once berated any one of us for trying to force business cards on him. Unlike yeye Obasanjo, Yar'Adua actually spoke several complete sentences; apparently he actually attended a real school. And unlike Obasanjo, the man has a lot of sweet mouth, very seductive. With that kind of sweet mouth I am sure he has twelve wives. Listening to him one could die of kwashiorkor and still be grateful to him for his empty promises. He assured us that he actually came to America just so he could be with us very important Nigerians that are doing important things in America! Wow! How nice! He said that life is good in Nigeria and we should come home and enjoy the good life. He said that he has zero tolerance for corruption; Nigeria will soon be a very clean place free of massive election rigging, corruption, armed robbery, nepotism and associated evil isms. He said that Insha Allah, by the year 2020, Nigeria will become a superpower. Double wow! Very nice man! I hope he runs for a third term. Actually, I pray that he becomes our President for life. What a nice man!

I must confess that one thing that Obasanjo is better at than Yar'Adua is that Obasanjo is a very social man. At the end of the 15-minute speech, the deejay that was hired by the embassy (for only 50 million Naira) began to play African Rhythm Messengers' rendition of Rex Lawson's Sawale as in "Sa wa sa wa sa wa le! Sa wa sa wa sa wa le! Ashewo!" My people, that is where Obasanjo would just shine. Aremu Obasanjo, the life of the party would have taken off his agbada, stripped down to his torn singlet and taken the floor with the most beautiful woman in the room, usually someone else's wife. And woe betide the husband if he as much as complains, EFCC Rottweiler Ribadu will be on his sorry ass the next morning. Aremu Obasanjo, Founder of the Nation and Igbefe Specialist would have thrown his sparse dignity to the winds and shown off his stuff right there on the embassy floor. Obasanjo may be ugly but Owambe is his game. Not Musa Yar'Adua, mba O! Instead of dancing with any one of our several willing wives, we were told he had to take leave of us because he was tired, according to his handlers. How rude!

So, I am thinking that after the fifteen-minute speech, my very good friend, Yar'Adua will take me by the hand and lead me upstairs where we will talk about my fortunes, sorry Nigeria's progress. Mba O. Suddenly one large man took the microscope and announced that Yar'Adua had had a very tough day, what with visiting President Bush, touring the White House, seeing the monuments and visiting a famous McDonald's at 13th and U. And now the president must go to sleep because, gobe ma rana ni, tomorrow is another day! And the gentle President Yar'Adua, very nice man, agreed with the large man and proceeded to, gasp, leave me behind in

that large room full of 300 blue-suited losers. At that point, all hell broke loose. People started throwing their business cards at him, they threw their bodies in front of him, men and women, it was so shameful. I saw married women shaking themselves loose from their loser husbands, throwing themselves at the feet of my friend Yar'Adua and wailing: "Save me! Marry me! There must be space in your private jet! I am tired of suffering in America!!!!" Allah, I am not making this up. Several reputable journalists were there to record this disgraceful episode.

After President Yar'Adua left, I stayed downstairs along with three hundred losers waiting for the call from my good friend Yar'Adua. The call never came. I did eat a lot – the embassy can sure throw a party – anything Nigerian it was there – orishi rishi fish made many ways, with the head staring at you ("Head of State" Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh!) goat meat, all the spare parts of Hagerstown, Maryland beef, moin-moin, ewedu, peppersoup, etchetram etchetram, Heineken and all the cognac you can drink. I did not meet with Yar'Adua one-on-one but I busted the embassy's food and booze budget. I ate up a storm. And I drank Heineken and cognac like a thirsty fish. The embassy was not impressed with my eating and drinking skills; I saw a security guard taking my pictures. I doubt that I will ever see the inside of that embassy again.

I was not the only one that did not meet with President Yar'Adua. Right after the President left for his beauty sleep, Professor Bolaji Aluko breezed into the embassy fashionably late, poking me in the ribs and asking me the irritating question: "Where Yar'Adua? You see am?" Apparently Bolaji had been downtown at some other meeting with low totem pole types, Jesse Jackson, Condoleezza Rice, Leon Sullivan, Bill Gates…! He saw I was downcast because I did not get to meet with President Yar'Adua and he said, "Come, Ikhide, let's mingle, I know a lot of important people, I shall introduce you to them. If I say they are important, give them your business card!" So, Bolaji started introducing me to people; he would say, "Ikhide, I want you to meet someone really important, this is the Right Honorable Mr. Monday Goodluck, SAN, PSA, DSP, PhD, CGFN, he is someone important to know, please give him your business card!" And I would gladly hand over my business card. I had to get rid of the Ghana-Must-Go bag of business cards I had brought for the occasion. Across the room, Bolaji spied a handsome dude that looked like me, dressed in an identical suit and smiling nonstop. And Bolaji pointed at him and hissed in my ears, "That is Dr. Sam Amadi over there, yeye man, he is not important! You remember Dr. Sam Amadi on our intellectual list-serve right? You know him; he is the one that always signs his emails as Special Assistant to the Foreign Minister, Director of this and that and Senior Policy Advisor for Nothing Consulting, Blah! Blah! Blah! Oro won p'esi je! Let's just go over and say hi, but he is not important. Don't waste your business card on him!" We went over and said Hi to Dr. Amadi. He is a very nice guy, very humble but he did not look important. He looked hungry like me. I did not give him my business card.

- Ikhide R. Ikheloa

ALUKO POST-SCRIPT:

=======================

Dear Colleagues:

Disclaimer: Only 90% of Ikhide's intervention above was true. I leave you to judge the 10%.

Moving on...

I apologize for not seeing Mr. Umoru Yar'Adua - but we did meet Sam Amadi o!.

Please blame my failure on funny-man Chris Tucker, who was putting a Leon Sullivan Summit dinner audience IN STITCHES about his visit to Nigeria, at about the time that I was supposed to depart for the Nigerian Chancery from a hotel just one mile away from the Nigerian Chancery. I thought that I could swing both events - actually there was some prior statement that Yar'Adua might attend - start the dinner at 6, head for the Nigerian Chancery at 8, and return to the dinner at 9:30, but "African Time" killed the best laid plans.

Here is Tucker,....in my own words to approximate his.

"I went to Nigeria with Andy Young...we visited President Obasanjo on his farm, and so on. Great time... Men, those Nigerians are AGGRESSIVE...As we were driving around, my guide said "Tucker, wind up your car windows, ...NOW!" I said, "Why…these Nigerian brothers look friendly!" Wind them up NOW, he said, and I quickly did. Man, it was only in Nigeria that I was forced to give an autograph. One guy came to me and said, "My name is Ikhide...I need your autograph." I said, "I am in a hurry..." Ikhide said, "I need your autograph Now,...here is a pen, write, "To my friend Ikhide"...I said, "I don't even know you yet, buddy! Anyway, what is the spelling of Ikhide ?" He said, "You are funny American but you cannot spell Ikhide , I-K-H-I-D-E! So I wrote."

End Tucker's words.....

Everybody in the audience was laughing, me too for some time, but I then just started to shake my head, saying "There continues the Nigerian stereotyping..."

Then I left for the Embassy, and met Yar'Adua's "absence", as the Nigerian saying goes.

But I met Ikhide, and Sam Amadi, and they made up for it, because I was going to ask him anyway why he said that he would never forget ever meeting Bush.

Na God save am !

I returned to the dinner at 10, to Tanzanian President Jakaya Kikwete's long speech touting his country, the venue of next year's Leon Sullivan Africa-African American Summit (June 2-5, 2008 http://www.thesullivansummit.go.tz/programme.asp )

Bolaji Aluko

Having a belly-laugh