Who Will I Marry: Environment For A Successful Marriage
http://www.nigeriansinamerica.com/articles/2353/1/Who-Will-I-Marry-Environment-For-A-Successful-Marriage/Page1.html
Felix-Abrahams Obi
Obi Felix is a Physiotherapist and writer based in Abuja. He is a member of the Association of Nigerian Authors, as well as Abuja Literary Society. The writer has written many articles, poems, short stories and essays which have been published in Nigerian newspapers and anthologies. He is the moderator of Cry of Adam Network, which is devoted to bringing emotional and spiritual healing to the wounded. He can be reached via EMAIL, or BLOG By Felix-Abrahams Obi
Published on 01/12/2008
This letter is in response to a request by a dear sister who had asked for my counsel in helping her choose whom she'll marry out of two men that had proposed to her...
Page 1 of 3
Please note that the letter below is in response to a request by a dear sister who had asked for my counsel in helping her choose whom she'll marry out of two men that had proposed to her.
.......................
Dearie Aburo,
Thanks for your mail and the question you had asked...but I keep wondering when I'll 'quit' relationship counselling in that I aint married as yet and am having to do all this by default even when I would like to live my life quietly and savour the riches of being on my own and enjoying my own company. I try to keep off from giving counsel about relationships and marriage cos I aint even engaged let alone married, but the reality is such that friends ( married/single) keep approaching me for counsel in these areas. I have seen myself helping friends to resolve relationship/marriage problems that my friends have had with their spouses at one time or the other...and to my joy, things changed and it still amazes me. Two weeks back, a female colleague came to my desk holding back tears...she narrated how her hubby who used to dote on her had started receeding and withdrawing from her. And in her frantic efforts to win him over, she ended up sending him further away....that he got consumed in watching football on TV and playing computer games even in the toilet...and she's hurting badly. Somehow, I gave her some nuggets on how she can get back his attention....by taking interest in what he does...playing computer games! That in doing that which she didnt naturally like doing, she would at least be around him while he plays...then she can chip in a word or two...and she can take time and learn how to play the game by herself, and look out for the latest play station and get one as gift for him. I assured her that if she can do that...she would at least chat with him while the games are on...and in doing that will keep him company and with time, the game will receed to the fringes of his heart and she'll take her rightful place. Not long after, she almost shed tears after reading an email her hubby sent to her..cos he started treasuring her company again...
So as I try as hard to run away and live a quiet life removed from others, people like you ( yes...you that is inToronto
I was in Lag last weekend and I had to spend long hours counselling a young undergrad at Uniport who's seen me as a mentor and wont let me alone. But one thing that amazes me is that each time a demand is placed upon me to help someone do some stuff, the kind of ideas tat flow makes me wonder where they're coming from...I need not bug you with all d details...but am coming to the stage where I really have realised that meaning and my fulfilment in life comes from my engagement in the lives of people God has one way or the other linked me up with, and ducking or stowing away aint gonna still rescue me.
Last night at home I did some thinking, after I visited with a friend who's planning to marry her ex- this July, after he 'dumped' her a few years back. When I talked with her, I realised it was a tough thing for her cos he's been her 1st and only guy and I deeply, sensed she could've loved to be with someone else but somehow, her heart had long been bonded to his and she's taking a leap of faith cos she's aware of some of his -ve tendencies and personality traits and, I had cautiously and consciously did my best to not interfere with her decision...I only made a point months back when she asked my advise..." That she knows the guy better cos we aint friends, but that she should ascertain why the come back, and how he can convince her that he wont leave her again.."
So last night while I thought about what to tell you in response to your emails, I decided to consult a mentor whose books and tapes had sharpened my thinking considerably. He's called Dr Myles Monroe, a citizen ofBahamas Lagos
.......
He said that for anyone to get anything right, one needs to go back to the ORIGINAL design and plan. You wanna get marriage right, go back to Genesis where it all begun and soak in the spiritual principles and unchangeable values that God had started man out with...cos when Jesus was asked if it was lawful for a man to divorce his wife, he didn’t say it was ok b/c Moses gave ground for it....infidelity ! But to Jesus, there's really no grounds for divorce if one from the outset follows the divine template because in His words..." In the beginning it was not so..."
In essence, the issue is not about who to just marry but what foundation is the marriage founded on and what materials is it to be built with. In proverbs, we're counselled that one needs wisdom to build a house, and understanding to do the interior decor etc to make it become a home and u sure know the difference b/w a house and a home. This was brought home to me in 1997 when I was inEnugu ....had joined two friends ( from Intercessors for Nigeria Enugu
So when Jesus tells us that in the beginning it's not so, it means we have to take all the caution to ensure that the beginning is right so we can reach the end of the race well, and not just 'till death do us part" but we're to also 'enjoy the ride and cruise home with joy and mirth and not sorrow and pain"...so if you take conscientious efforts to screen the guys that have gained access to your heart ( remember that the bible asks us to guard our hearts with all diligence cos the choices we make most times determine our experiences in life). When John admonishes christians to 'test all spirits and know if they're of God, he is speaking as an elder who's been around Jesus long enough to have had deposits of Jesus' wisdom in him. So don’t shrug or twitch if it appears that you're thoroughly scruitnizing guys that come your way cos the exit way for marriage is not divorce but death in the real sense, and a good start ensures that...cos even after a divorce, a woman/man is never herself/himself again. Honestly, I have met a couple of women who'd broken marriages and from interacting with them, I have come to reckon that somehow b4 they got married, they had for some reason; had brushed aside that deep seated feeling of uneasiness and perturbation that something aint right about the choice they were making etc....and that makes them sad and broken when things pack up in divorce or separation.
Now let's get back to the Garden of Eden and check out Adam and you'll find out certain features that characterized his life. And these are features that will guide you in making the right choice cos truth is, two good and nice people may be wrong for each other, yet it doesn't negate that they're good and virtuous...but were mismatched hence aint configured to fit each other. I'll take time and expand on this...and please pay attention to the subheadings below to help you know what kind of man you'd say yes to his proposal to marry you...:
1.Does he Love God and Pursue His Presence
So the guy whom you'll happily live with gotta be someone who loves God, and fears Him. One thing is to love God, and another is fearing him cos we can love God yet live in sin, cos we have this warped mindset that tells us he'll always forgive but we forget that every misdeed has its inevitable consequences .But someone who fears God in addition will know that God is also a consuming fire and a righteous God; such that he allows us to face the consequences of our actions long after he's forgiven us. If Adam had known, he might not have disregarded God's instructions to not take the fruit. If David had known that his fling with Bethsheba would wreck his family, he would've held back those streams of passion that welled up within when he saw the sculpted body of a woman having her showers! Did you realise that his own son raped his step-sister and disvirgined her and didn’t care a hoot, and that led to more chaos and bloodshed in David's house...his son also slept with his wives and concubines despite his deep love and passion for God's presence...!!?
So the first thing you need to check is...does the prospective guy love, fear, and respect God's laws and principles. I didnt say....is he 'religious and pious? In essence, has the guy got a personal relationship and encounter with God? Does he give thot to God's perspective when making decisions...and what are his philosophies and views in life...and do such stem from the biblical mindset? Cos the world would say 'men are polygamous in nature' to excuse our sexual indiscretions and all but the bible yet emphasizes that 'we shall not be controlled by our unsubdued desires and propensities" and from experience and study of the lives of great men that impacted the world spiritually, it's only in God's presence that a man's wild nature and debased is tamed. I am a man, and know this to be true cos I have been amazed at what my mind had imagined to do at times, and if not for God, i could've also been a playboy cos it's so easy to be one...and don’t gloss over it my dear. God's presence loosens and softens us...and helps us put our raging passions under the power of God!
.......................
Dearie Aburo,
Thanks for your mail and the question you had asked...but I keep wondering when I'll 'quit' relationship counselling in that I aint married as yet and am having to do all this by default even when I would like to live my life quietly and savour the riches of being on my own and enjoying my own company. I try to keep off from giving counsel about relationships and marriage cos I aint even engaged let alone married, but the reality is such that friends ( married/single) keep approaching me for counsel in these areas. I have seen myself helping friends to resolve relationship/marriage problems that my friends have had with their spouses at one time or the other...and to my joy, things changed and it still amazes me. Two weeks back, a female colleague came to my desk holding back tears...she narrated how her hubby who used to dote on her had started receeding and withdrawing from her. And in her frantic efforts to win him over, she ended up sending him further away....that he got consumed in watching football on TV and playing computer games even in the toilet...and she's hurting badly. Somehow, I gave her some nuggets on how she can get back his attention....by taking interest in what he does...playing computer games! That in doing that which she didnt naturally like doing, she would at least be around him while he plays...then she can chip in a word or two...and she can take time and learn how to play the game by herself, and look out for the latest play station and get one as gift for him. I assured her that if she can do that...she would at least chat with him while the games are on...and in doing that will keep him company and with time, the game will receed to the fringes of his heart and she'll take her rightful place. Not long after, she almost shed tears after reading an email her hubby sent to her..cos he started treasuring her company again...
So as I try as hard to run away and live a quiet life removed from others, people like you ( yes...you that is in
I was in Lag last weekend and I had to spend long hours counselling a young undergrad at Uniport who's seen me as a mentor and wont let me alone. But one thing that amazes me is that each time a demand is placed upon me to help someone do some stuff, the kind of ideas tat flow makes me wonder where they're coming from...I need not bug you with all d details...but am coming to the stage where I really have realised that meaning and my fulfilment in life comes from my engagement in the lives of people God has one way or the other linked me up with, and ducking or stowing away aint gonna still rescue me.
Last night at home I did some thinking, after I visited with a friend who's planning to marry her ex- this July, after he 'dumped' her a few years back. When I talked with her, I realised it was a tough thing for her cos he's been her 1st and only guy and I deeply, sensed she could've loved to be with someone else but somehow, her heart had long been bonded to his and she's taking a leap of faith cos she's aware of some of his -ve tendencies and personality traits and, I had cautiously and consciously did my best to not interfere with her decision...I only made a point months back when she asked my advise..." That she knows the guy better cos we aint friends, but that she should ascertain why the come back, and how he can convince her that he wont leave her again.."
So last night while I thought about what to tell you in response to your emails, I decided to consult a mentor whose books and tapes had sharpened my thinking considerably. He's called Dr Myles Monroe, a citizen of
.......
He said that for anyone to get anything right, one needs to go back to the ORIGINAL design and plan. You wanna get marriage right, go back to Genesis where it all begun and soak in the spiritual principles and unchangeable values that God had started man out with...cos when Jesus was asked if it was lawful for a man to divorce his wife, he didn’t say it was ok b/c Moses gave ground for it....infidelity ! But to Jesus, there's really no grounds for divorce if one from the outset follows the divine template because in His words..." In the beginning it was not so..."
In essence, the issue is not about who to just marry but what foundation is the marriage founded on and what materials is it to be built with. In proverbs, we're counselled that one needs wisdom to build a house, and understanding to do the interior decor etc to make it become a home and u sure know the difference b/w a house and a home. This was brought home to me in 1997 when I was in
So when Jesus tells us that in the beginning it's not so, it means we have to take all the caution to ensure that the beginning is right so we can reach the end of the race well, and not just 'till death do us part" but we're to also 'enjoy the ride and cruise home with joy and mirth and not sorrow and pain"...so if you take conscientious efforts to screen the guys that have gained access to your heart ( remember that the bible asks us to guard our hearts with all diligence cos the choices we make most times determine our experiences in life). When John admonishes christians to 'test all spirits and know if they're of God, he is speaking as an elder who's been around Jesus long enough to have had deposits of Jesus' wisdom in him. So don’t shrug or twitch if it appears that you're thoroughly scruitnizing guys that come your way cos the exit way for marriage is not divorce but death in the real sense, and a good start ensures that...cos even after a divorce, a woman/man is never herself/himself again. Honestly, I have met a couple of women who'd broken marriages and from interacting with them, I have come to reckon that somehow b4 they got married, they had for some reason; had brushed aside that deep seated feeling of uneasiness and perturbation that something aint right about the choice they were making etc....and that makes them sad and broken when things pack up in divorce or separation.
Now let's get back to the Garden of Eden and check out Adam and you'll find out certain features that characterized his life. And these are features that will guide you in making the right choice cos truth is, two good and nice people may be wrong for each other, yet it doesn't negate that they're good and virtuous...but were mismatched hence aint configured to fit each other. I'll take time and expand on this...and please pay attention to the subheadings below to help you know what kind of man you'd say yes to his proposal to marry you...:
1.Does he Love God and Pursue His Presence
So the guy whom you'll happily live with gotta be someone who loves God, and fears Him. One thing is to love God, and another is fearing him cos we can love God yet live in sin, cos we have this warped mindset that tells us he'll always forgive but we forget that every misdeed has its inevitable consequences .But someone who fears God in addition will know that God is also a consuming fire and a righteous God; such that he allows us to face the consequences of our actions long after he's forgiven us. If Adam had known, he might not have disregarded God's instructions to not take the fruit. If David had known that his fling with Bethsheba would wreck his family, he would've held back those streams of passion that welled up within when he saw the sculpted body of a woman having her showers! Did you realise that his own son raped his step-sister and disvirgined her and didn’t care a hoot, and that led to more chaos and bloodshed in David's house...his son also slept with his wives and concubines despite his deep love and passion for God's presence...!!?
So the first thing you need to check is...does the prospective guy love, fear, and respect God's laws and principles. I didnt say....is he 'religious and pious? In essence, has the guy got a personal relationship and encounter with God? Does he give thot to God's perspective when making decisions...and what are his philosophies and views in life...and do such stem from the biblical mindset? Cos the world would say 'men are polygamous in nature' to excuse our sexual indiscretions and all but the bible yet emphasizes that 'we shall not be controlled by our unsubdued desires and propensities" and from experience and study of the lives of great men that impacted the world spiritually, it's only in God's presence that a man's wild nature and debased is tamed. I am a man, and know this to be true cos I have been amazed at what my mind had imagined to do at times, and if not for God, i could've also been a playboy cos it's so easy to be one...and don’t gloss over it my dear. God's presence loosens and softens us...and helps us put our raging passions under the power of God!
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A hot tempered man may love his wife, but that wont stop him from punching her when the chips are down and he'd sure regret it when he calms down..." oh baby, I didn’t mean to hurt you.." but he can only deal with the wild beast in him not by self control and discipline alone but by the pruning work that the Holy Spirit does when a man lingers in God's presence. Moses was said to be the meekest man on earth...cos no man had spent as much as 40days of undiluted and uninterrupted encounter in God's presence like him...and if Saul never had an encounter with Jesus' presence, the transformation from Saul to Paul ;the Apostle wouldn't have happened!
I step aside...and let's go on.....
2. Does the guy love God's Word
What shapes the guy's thots....what books does he read...and ask what is the only and most important book and music/video Cd he would carry with him if he were to be incarcerated in a lonely island…and that'll tell you what his philosophies are....a secular and post-modernism mindset would sure make a man rationalize his excesses. But if a man is committed to reading and studying God's word...his thots and ways would be in sync with what he's been reading...and what he reads, watches and thinks about would determine his character cos as a man thinketh, so is he the bible tells us. This is important from the standpoint of the 'headship' of the home cos a man is to give leadership...not thro management theories and practises but 'leadership thro example' in the steps of " Jesus who loved the church( his bride) and gave his life for her"...and he instructed his bride ' by the washing of the water by the WORD". He knew God's word, and thot his bride same word, and used the word to challenge the status quo and prevalent thots (sociopolitical, economic, religious etc) of his time, and when he faced temptations, challenges and trials, he never blew his cool or flunk because he was a Man of the WORD
3. Does he WORK...and what are His visions, goals and dreams ?
Remember, Adam was commissioned by God to tend the garden of Eden...but before then ...he was given his life's goal by God. His calling was to " increase, multiply ,replenish and subdue the earth'' and that command gave him a sense of purpose such that he didn’t just get a career by tending the plants in the garden, or making the animals fat. So ask the guy what is his calling, vocation and destination in life. Is it removed from God?. Is he content with just having a career cos getting to the peak of one's career doesn't bring fulfilment for anyone...except if one has impacted humanity positively, and bettered the lots of others cos ' our fulfilment comes from doing what God has designed us to BE not just in the doing but in discovering the essence of our existence. Is he pursuing career at all cost and at the expense of family and friends? What does his work colleagues and friends say about him...?
4. Can he Protect and Cherish you?
A man's muscle fibres hypertrophies as he exercies and works...and he gains in strength and stamina. It makes one feel like a man and when a guy works out, and acquire bulging muscles, he feels cool and in charge. And how women trip for this cos it was meant to be so. As an undergrad in Medischool in Bayero Univkano
Finally....
5. Can the guy CULTIVATE you?
From my own personal experience and study of human behaviour ( am not a trained psychologist or counsellor) and interactions with women over time, I have come to the conclusion that a woman to a large extent reflects or models her experiences with men that she has interacted deeply with in her life .Her character, motivation and outlook in life is so much influenced by the men in her life...father, brothers, and more importantly for older girls...boyfriends, and then spouses for the married or engaged ones. Show me a confident woman who's well adjusted and I'd most likely see it in how her Father and Brothers or Uncles treat her at home. Show me a bitter and insecure woman and I'd point to some man she had loved, and who had mistreated ,disrespected or disappointed her. Show me a woman who's afraid to trust or let men into her heart and I'd trace a man who'd dumped her after she's given her best and all, or you'd see an older woman in her life ( mom, aunt, sister, friend or colleague) who's had it rough with men and had told her to be wary of trusting men. Tell me a woman who's indifferent about marriage yet desirous of settling down...and you'd see one man that had waltzed in and out of her life sometime in her past. This may be too much of an extrapolation but I think you'd agree with me in some sense if you look inwards at your own personal experiences, and those of significant others around you.
Point made...but what does it mean to till and cultivate a woman you'd ask me? This is no small job cos cultivating and tilling are no mean stuff. I grew up in the village and rainy seasons were not the best of seasons. It's the time for 'clearing the bush, burning the debris and rubbish in the farms'...then when the 1st rain hits the soil, mama would pick up her hoe and head for our numerous farms. I had my own hoe and we toiled together...and so did other families. We tilled...wishing all the soil were as soft as sandy soil...nay, some were hard due to the weed and shrubs that stuck in there. But as you tilled, the soil softens and then you can SOW SEEDS , and watch them grow...and if it's something like yam, you gotta stake them and guide them as they grow....and you don’t stop there, you also weed the farms as time grows to ensure that the choice seed so planted wont be snuffed out...and you lose out eventually despite all the toil. But when all the labour of cultivating is over...HARVEST comes and that's what we all desire and deserve...but it's sheer WORK to say the least!
The man who can cultivate you would have to help you discover who you really are...he feeds your potential, he builds your confidence, and makes you a real woman. He aint threatened by your giftings cos he's at his place of calling. He mentors, pastors, and enlarges you. He assesses your growth needs and gets the right manure to apply. When you fret and feel insecure, he understands and gets to the root of the matter. If you've a calling to be a career woman, he doesn't feel you'd surpass his accomplishments but would be your sure prop and cheer leader. Even when you don't think you can be someone important, he nudges and pushes you tenderly, mixed with firmness till you come to accept you can be what God wanted you to be....I'd give you some examples:
1.Dr Dora Akunyili
Her hubby is a quiet doctor somewhere in Enugu but in her speeches, she speaks about his impact on her life. She's celebrated today...but it started when the man released her to be what God wanted her to be..
2. Dr Oby Ezekwesili
Though Dr Ngozi Iweala made waves as a minister, no other woman is respected inNigeria like "Madam Due Process" who handled three different portfolios: Budget office, Ministry of Solid Minerals, and Education b4 World Bank begged her to become Vice president for Africa . My pastor and mentor, Tony Rapu was her pastor years ago when she was a worker in church and I have listened to her talk about her hubby. She said all she's today is a result of her hubby's influence on her. He saw her potentials and began the cultivation process. He is a business man, but he made her go to Harvard to build her capacity and today...she's known while her hubby cherishes his own 'obscurity' without feeling threatened!
I step aside...and let's go on.....
2. Does the guy love God's Word
What shapes the guy's thots....what books does he read...and ask what is the only and most important book and music/video Cd he would carry with him if he were to be incarcerated in a lonely island…and that'll tell you what his philosophies are....a secular and post-modernism mindset would sure make a man rationalize his excesses. But if a man is committed to reading and studying God's word...his thots and ways would be in sync with what he's been reading...and what he reads, watches and thinks about would determine his character cos as a man thinketh, so is he the bible tells us. This is important from the standpoint of the 'headship' of the home cos a man is to give leadership...not thro management theories and practises but 'leadership thro example' in the steps of " Jesus who loved the church( his bride) and gave his life for her"...and he instructed his bride ' by the washing of the water by the WORD". He knew God's word, and thot his bride same word, and used the word to challenge the status quo and prevalent thots (sociopolitical, economic, religious etc) of his time, and when he faced temptations, challenges and trials, he never blew his cool or flunk because he was a Man of the WORD
3. Does he WORK...and what are His visions, goals and dreams ?
Remember, Adam was commissioned by God to tend the garden of Eden...but before then ...he was given his life's goal by God. His calling was to " increase, multiply ,replenish and subdue the earth'' and that command gave him a sense of purpose such that he didn’t just get a career by tending the plants in the garden, or making the animals fat. So ask the guy what is his calling, vocation and destination in life. Is it removed from God?. Is he content with just having a career cos getting to the peak of one's career doesn't bring fulfilment for anyone...except if one has impacted humanity positively, and bettered the lots of others cos ' our fulfilment comes from doing what God has designed us to BE not just in the doing but in discovering the essence of our existence. Is he pursuing career at all cost and at the expense of family and friends? What does his work colleagues and friends say about him...?
4. Can he Protect and Cherish you?
A man's muscle fibres hypertrophies as he exercies and works...and he gains in strength and stamina. It makes one feel like a man and when a guy works out, and acquire bulging muscles, he feels cool and in charge. And how women trip for this cos it was meant to be so. As an undergrad in Medischool in Bayero Univ
Finally....
5. Can the guy CULTIVATE you?
From my own personal experience and study of human behaviour ( am not a trained psychologist or counsellor) and interactions with women over time, I have come to the conclusion that a woman to a large extent reflects or models her experiences with men that she has interacted deeply with in her life .Her character, motivation and outlook in life is so much influenced by the men in her life...father, brothers, and more importantly for older girls...boyfriends, and then spouses for the married or engaged ones. Show me a confident woman who's well adjusted and I'd most likely see it in how her Father and Brothers or Uncles treat her at home. Show me a bitter and insecure woman and I'd point to some man she had loved, and who had mistreated ,disrespected or disappointed her. Show me a woman who's afraid to trust or let men into her heart and I'd trace a man who'd dumped her after she's given her best and all, or you'd see an older woman in her life ( mom, aunt, sister, friend or colleague) who's had it rough with men and had told her to be wary of trusting men. Tell me a woman who's indifferent about marriage yet desirous of settling down...and you'd see one man that had waltzed in and out of her life sometime in her past. This may be too much of an extrapolation but I think you'd agree with me in some sense if you look inwards at your own personal experiences, and those of significant others around you.
Point made...but what does it mean to till and cultivate a woman you'd ask me? This is no small job cos cultivating and tilling are no mean stuff. I grew up in the village and rainy seasons were not the best of seasons. It's the time for 'clearing the bush, burning the debris and rubbish in the farms'...then when the 1st rain hits the soil, mama would pick up her hoe and head for our numerous farms. I had my own hoe and we toiled together...and so did other families. We tilled...wishing all the soil were as soft as sandy soil...nay, some were hard due to the weed and shrubs that stuck in there. But as you tilled, the soil softens and then you can SOW SEEDS , and watch them grow...and if it's something like yam, you gotta stake them and guide them as they grow....and you don’t stop there, you also weed the farms as time grows to ensure that the choice seed so planted wont be snuffed out...and you lose out eventually despite all the toil. But when all the labour of cultivating is over...HARVEST comes and that's what we all desire and deserve...but it's sheer WORK to say the least!
The man who can cultivate you would have to help you discover who you really are...he feeds your potential, he builds your confidence, and makes you a real woman. He aint threatened by your giftings cos he's at his place of calling. He mentors, pastors, and enlarges you. He assesses your growth needs and gets the right manure to apply. When you fret and feel insecure, he understands and gets to the root of the matter. If you've a calling to be a career woman, he doesn't feel you'd surpass his accomplishments but would be your sure prop and cheer leader. Even when you don't think you can be someone important, he nudges and pushes you tenderly, mixed with firmness till you come to accept you can be what God wanted you to be....I'd give you some examples:
1.Dr Dora Akunyili
Her hubby is a quiet doctor somewhere in Enugu but in her speeches, she speaks about his impact on her life. She's celebrated today...but it started when the man released her to be what God wanted her to be..
2. Dr Oby Ezekwesili
Though Dr Ngozi Iweala made waves as a minister, no other woman is respected in
Page 3 of 3
3.Pastor Bimbo Odukoya.
Who doesn't know about this phenomenal lady that touched lives but her story is founded on what her husband did in her life. She celebrated him wherever she went as she least knew she'd ever be a preacher in the first place...cos she had thot she'd only be a 'preacher's wife' but he saw beyond that...and helped her grow, mature, deploy her gifts and impact destiny...and she's left a legend today that left and enviable legacy for posterity.
I can tell you about three well respected American lady preachers ( Puala White, Joyce Meyer and Juanita Bynum) and you'd be glad they married the men that are their husbands cos they had a difficult past of sexual abuse, molestation, brokenness, disappointment etc...and they were bitter and hurting until the men walked into their lives and the rest is history.( A caveat though...Paula White and Juanita Bynum in 2007 had problems in their marriages ...)
Please take time and mull over the above and am writing from my heart cos that's by far the much I could do aside praying along with you....but while you assess and check out the guys that are sending their ' memos ' to you....have you taken the time and pain to consider what you'd contribute to the man's life? The truth is...much as you desire the right man, you gotta also be the right woman that fits his life and purpose ; and where there's a disconnect, friction becomes inevitable and the ultimate purpose of mariage may not be realised afterall. So as you think about your "selfish desires' also ensure that his own 'selfish desires' find their last bus stop in you!...cos it's a two-edged sword kinda reality for the bible says, " the two can not work together except they be agreed' and that is one that can't be overlooked.
..............................................
The Woman that you should be to your man
I became convinced that poetry spilled out from God when I studied Genesis and the verse Adam chanted when he sighted Eve. He had no option than to love her cos she met a nagging void that gnawed and ravaged him...she met and fitted the specs of a hollow part of him that he had need for no other woman in his entire lifetime on earth even after the fall...hence he was at her 'beck and call'...and if not, do you think he'd have considered her suggestion to eat the forbidden fruit??
I fear and respect women cos they're the most powerful creatures on earth and anyman who thinks otherwise does so at his own peril. It's as though God created men and imbued us with so much power and ability, but he locked it up and gave women the access key and the manual for its application. Hence...a woman is the greatest motivator or inhibitor that any man can ever have...the woman has the power of influence over a man and to with, absolute power also corrupts when used to manipulate others !
So I would now outline why God gave you gals such power over men...here we go:
1. Will you be his Helper:
You are to help a man become all that God created him to be....encourage, inspire, admire, praise and nudge him to go all out to fulfill God's purpose for him. If you are the strong-willed type...will you try to control him, manipulate him or oppress him and make him feel little before you? will you use kind words that build his ego, or those nagging notes and negative vibes that exude from most ladies; would you rather be drawn to sarcasm that will kill his spirit or imbue what you say to him with some pint of flattery even when you know he aint a superstar to be adored???
Will you court the King and Warrior in him or stoke the beast in him....and for sure, men will gravitate towards women that appeal to the king in them and vice versa. Ask King David why he married Abigail and he'd tell you why he loved her cos she spoke to the king in him...he would have killed her hubby but she appealed to the gentleman in David and thots of her never left him such that after the death of her hubby, he went for her...but he loathed Saul's daughter who yabbed him when he worshipped God unreservedly as the Ark made its long trip to Jerusalem..In a sense, she despised the most important thing he treasured... and his passion for God's presence!
That partly explains why men who have mistresses hardly let go of them...and if he's got a mistress, go check his home front and you may find a contentious wife that snubs him when he comes back at night. One that tells him to compare himself with other men who seemingly are better than him both financially and otherwise...and attitudes like this questions his manhood!
And if you as a lady can't respect or accept ( the wishes, decisions etc) of a man since respect is earned, then be wary of marrying him...this is my own submission and aint sure God told me so ...
2. Will he treasure your Company?
Another tough one...but I must tell you that a man can't resist the company of an amazing and extraordinary woman.I am a victim of this for I realised in my personal life and experience that it takes much for any lady to hold my attention. Not as though am being idealistic but there have been times that I met ladies that swept me off my feet...long before I knew it cos something about their intellect, charm and personality got me reeling in adoration of them. They may not be beauty idols but they just held my attention...and I couldn't resist their company, and some have remained friends even though we couldn't marry each other.
One thing is to excite a man with your presence, the other is will you be able to sustain his interest in you...and also deepen his focus on you to the point that he gets hooked and stuck to you for life ? Cos if not, his heart will or may gravitate to another amazing woman still. Can you make the man comfortable to have him not loathe your company? What would he or does he miss about you when distance separates you from him? ...and if it's only something that's just about your external beauty or amazing anatomy and physiology...then trouble is brewing in the corner. Adam was not alone in the garden but Eve wiped away his feelings of loneliness and met his need for companionship which animals couldn't meet....
Do you connect with a guy at the level of thoughts, values, interests and stuff? ...this speaks of compatibility in some sense but not all about it.
Remember the story of your male friend who married an amazingly pretty babe... he told you how he used to steal a look at her body when they were courting for her beauty ravished him. But months after they got married, his wife realised he didn't so much cherish her body again...cos she couldn't meet his desire for companionship and share his intellectual interests. They had little to discuss and remember you telling me that he'd call you late at night so he can have mentally stimulating discussions with you...? Why because...he wasn’t enjoying her company anymore...!
3.Are you his SUITABLE HELP MATE
In development work and programming, we talk about complimentality of projects to ensure effectiveness, synergy and maximization of aid from donor countries. This principle is far more important in marriage....and this is where the battle rages for a woman who's as visionary and goal-oriented like you. To be an effective helpmate suitable for him, you're expected to " adjust, re-adapt and re-align'' your goals, aspirations and dreams to be in sync with his visions and purpose in life. If not, two divergently-oriented captains will rock the boat and too many hands will spoil the broth as wise sages wont to say!
My aunt shared her experience with me...strong-willed and self motivated, she realised that for her marriage to work, she had to lay aside her will and submit to my uncle...and he's loved her wholly cos she doesnt come as a competitor or opponent to him. A wise woman would lay aside her preferences for his...and the interesting thing is that she wins his heart over by that singular attitude/action and he buys into her own dreams and goals thinking they are his...without his realising it!
Will you leaveCanada for Nigeria if Kelly or Emeka can't join you in Canada Canada University of Abuja whereas she could have done a better one at Tontonto...so it's her choice and she doesn't regret it cos she's still a Canadian citizen and visits yearly to enjoy the salubrious air of Toronto
To some, that smacks of foolery but has God not used the foolish things of earth to discomfit our human wisdom and understanding?...she aint foolish cos I have always known her as a wise woman long b4 she left forCanada
I can't list all other women that applied this principle cos of space....and finally;
4. Can you Incubate his destiny?
It's this aspect that most men/women dont know and any woman who understands the concept of "incubation' would realise her calling in life pretty fast and clear. Why do women have WOMBS? Why do mother hen brood over eggs for as long as 21days without being attracted to cockrels that woo her? What happened to mother hen in the 1st place....a dashing proud cock alighted over her and planted some seed into her...then eggs begin to grow inside her...and when she laid them, she provided warmth consistently till the chicks fully develop…and break out.
That's why when a man donates or liberally gives a woman his sperm, the woman's body accepts, multiplies, and gives life to it such that the output becomes a baby after 9 months! It's like...baggage in, baggage out scenario and that's why I told you earlier on that a woman's life reflects the experiences she'd had with men that came into her life at one time or the other...so a woman magnifies what she receives from a man...in an exponential order!
...when a man provides a house, the woman makes a home out of it
...when a man gives a woman stress, she makes him more miserable
...when he doesn’t provide for her, she becomes detestable and difficult
...when he ignores her, she becomes frustrated, naggy and a pain in his neck
Knowing the dynamics of the natural incubation power that God has given to women, it's therefore important that you study the men in your life, and check cautiously how you react ot respond when they are in your presence. Just like a woman can appeal to the king or beast in a man...ask yourself what the guy elicits or stirs up in you from your encounters with him...does he court the "princess' in you, or bring out your 'worst and detestable nature'? Does the sight of him enthuse or detest you? Do you feel great or deflated after the long phone calls with him? Does his honey-coated flattery make your head swell, or is it the truth about what he tells you and sincere his words that scare you about him?
.....................
In closing this epistle, I wish to submit that I do not guarantee you that I have a 'one solution fits' all answers to your questions about how to make the choice between Kelly and Emeka. Like you said, one appeals to your emotion, and the other appeals to your logical mind but I would chip in that much as your emotional/logical natures are called to play in resolving issues like this...I would suggest that your logical/emotional preferences be influenced by your spiritual side...the realm where the Holy Spirit interacts with our deepest being.
You know how logical I can be...but God had proven time and again that I can't figure out issues of destiny with my mental acuity alone...hence I have found reason to believe the instruction that says..;
TRUST IN THE LORD WITH ALL YOUR HEART
LEAN NOT ON YOUR OWN UNDERSTANDING
IN ALL YOUR WAYS ACKNOWLEDGE HIM
AND HE SHALL DIRECT YOUR PATHS
Have a wonderful weekend and hope God uses these words of mine to minister to your anxious heart...and may His Peace that passes all understanding guard your heart...!
Can't believe I spent all this time writing all this...To God be praise!
Your big broda,
Felix-Abrahamz
Who doesn't know about this phenomenal lady that touched lives but her story is founded on what her husband did in her life. She celebrated him wherever she went as she least knew she'd ever be a preacher in the first place...cos she had thot she'd only be a 'preacher's wife' but he saw beyond that...and helped her grow, mature, deploy her gifts and impact destiny...and she's left a legend today that left and enviable legacy for posterity.
I can tell you about three well respected American lady preachers ( Puala White, Joyce Meyer and Juanita Bynum) and you'd be glad they married the men that are their husbands cos they had a difficult past of sexual abuse, molestation, brokenness, disappointment etc...and they were bitter and hurting until the men walked into their lives and the rest is history.( A caveat though...Paula White and Juanita Bynum in 2007 had problems in their marriages ...)
Please take time and mull over the above and am writing from my heart cos that's by far the much I could do aside praying along with you....but while you assess and check out the guys that are sending their ' memos ' to you....have you taken the time and pain to consider what you'd contribute to the man's life? The truth is...much as you desire the right man, you gotta also be the right woman that fits his life and purpose ; and where there's a disconnect, friction becomes inevitable and the ultimate purpose of mariage may not be realised afterall. So as you think about your "selfish desires' also ensure that his own 'selfish desires' find their last bus stop in you!...cos it's a two-edged sword kinda reality for the bible says, " the two can not work together except they be agreed' and that is one that can't be overlooked.
..............................................
The Woman that you should be to your man
I became convinced that poetry spilled out from God when I studied Genesis and the verse Adam chanted when he sighted Eve. He had no option than to love her cos she met a nagging void that gnawed and ravaged him...she met and fitted the specs of a hollow part of him that he had need for no other woman in his entire lifetime on earth even after the fall...hence he was at her 'beck and call'...and if not, do you think he'd have considered her suggestion to eat the forbidden fruit??
I fear and respect women cos they're the most powerful creatures on earth and anyman who thinks otherwise does so at his own peril. It's as though God created men and imbued us with so much power and ability, but he locked it up and gave women the access key and the manual for its application. Hence...a woman is the greatest motivator or inhibitor that any man can ever have...the woman has the power of influence over a man and to with, absolute power also corrupts when used to manipulate others !
So I would now outline why God gave you gals such power over men...here we go:
1. Will you be his Helper:
You are to help a man become all that God created him to be....encourage, inspire, admire, praise and nudge him to go all out to fulfill God's purpose for him. If you are the strong-willed type...will you try to control him, manipulate him or oppress him and make him feel little before you? will you use kind words that build his ego, or those nagging notes and negative vibes that exude from most ladies; would you rather be drawn to sarcasm that will kill his spirit or imbue what you say to him with some pint of flattery even when you know he aint a superstar to be adored???
Will you court the King and Warrior in him or stoke the beast in him....and for sure, men will gravitate towards women that appeal to the king in them and vice versa. Ask King David why he married Abigail and he'd tell you why he loved her cos she spoke to the king in him...he would have killed her hubby but she appealed to the gentleman in David and thots of her never left him such that after the death of her hubby, he went for her...but he loathed Saul's daughter who yabbed him when he worshipped God unreservedly as the Ark made its long trip to Jerusalem..In a sense, she despised the most important thing he treasured... and his passion for God's presence!
That partly explains why men who have mistresses hardly let go of them...and if he's got a mistress, go check his home front and you may find a contentious wife that snubs him when he comes back at night. One that tells him to compare himself with other men who seemingly are better than him both financially and otherwise...and attitudes like this questions his manhood!
And if you as a lady can't respect or accept ( the wishes, decisions etc) of a man since respect is earned, then be wary of marrying him...this is my own submission and aint sure God told me so ...
2. Will he treasure your Company?
Another tough one...but I must tell you that a man can't resist the company of an amazing and extraordinary woman.I am a victim of this for I realised in my personal life and experience that it takes much for any lady to hold my attention. Not as though am being idealistic but there have been times that I met ladies that swept me off my feet...long before I knew it cos something about their intellect, charm and personality got me reeling in adoration of them. They may not be beauty idols but they just held my attention...and I couldn't resist their company, and some have remained friends even though we couldn't marry each other.
One thing is to excite a man with your presence, the other is will you be able to sustain his interest in you...and also deepen his focus on you to the point that he gets hooked and stuck to you for life ? Cos if not, his heart will or may gravitate to another amazing woman still. Can you make the man comfortable to have him not loathe your company? What would he or does he miss about you when distance separates you from him? ...and if it's only something that's just about your external beauty or amazing anatomy and physiology...then trouble is brewing in the corner. Adam was not alone in the garden but Eve wiped away his feelings of loneliness and met his need for companionship which animals couldn't meet....
Do you connect with a guy at the level of thoughts, values, interests and stuff? ...this speaks of compatibility in some sense but not all about it.
Remember the story of your male friend who married an amazingly pretty babe... he told you how he used to steal a look at her body when they were courting for her beauty ravished him. But months after they got married, his wife realised he didn't so much cherish her body again...cos she couldn't meet his desire for companionship and share his intellectual interests. They had little to discuss and remember you telling me that he'd call you late at night so he can have mentally stimulating discussions with you...? Why because...he wasn’t enjoying her company anymore...!
3.Are you his SUITABLE HELP MATE
In development work and programming, we talk about complimentality of projects to ensure effectiveness, synergy and maximization of aid from donor countries. This principle is far more important in marriage....and this is where the battle rages for a woman who's as visionary and goal-oriented like you. To be an effective helpmate suitable for him, you're expected to " adjust, re-adapt and re-align'' your goals, aspirations and dreams to be in sync with his visions and purpose in life. If not, two divergently-oriented captains will rock the boat and too many hands will spoil the broth as wise sages wont to say!
My aunt shared her experience with me...strong-willed and self motivated, she realised that for her marriage to work, she had to lay aside her will and submit to my uncle...and he's loved her wholly cos she doesnt come as a competitor or opponent to him. A wise woman would lay aside her preferences for his...and the interesting thing is that she wins his heart over by that singular attitude/action and he buys into her own dreams and goals thinking they are his...without his realising it!
Will you leave
To some, that smacks of foolery but has God not used the foolish things of earth to discomfit our human wisdom and understanding?...she aint foolish cos I have always known her as a wise woman long b4 she left for
I can't list all other women that applied this principle cos of space....and finally;
4. Can you Incubate his destiny?
It's this aspect that most men/women dont know and any woman who understands the concept of "incubation' would realise her calling in life pretty fast and clear. Why do women have WOMBS? Why do mother hen brood over eggs for as long as 21days without being attracted to cockrels that woo her? What happened to mother hen in the 1st place....a dashing proud cock alighted over her and planted some seed into her...then eggs begin to grow inside her...and when she laid them, she provided warmth consistently till the chicks fully develop…and break out.
That's why when a man donates or liberally gives a woman his sperm, the woman's body accepts, multiplies, and gives life to it such that the output becomes a baby after 9 months! It's like...baggage in, baggage out scenario and that's why I told you earlier on that a woman's life reflects the experiences she'd had with men that came into her life at one time or the other...so a woman magnifies what she receives from a man...in an exponential order!
...when a man provides a house, the woman makes a home out of it
...when a man gives a woman stress, she makes him more miserable
...when he doesn’t provide for her, she becomes detestable and difficult
...when he ignores her, she becomes frustrated, naggy and a pain in his neck
Knowing the dynamics of the natural incubation power that God has given to women, it's therefore important that you study the men in your life, and check cautiously how you react ot respond when they are in your presence. Just like a woman can appeal to the king or beast in a man...ask yourself what the guy elicits or stirs up in you from your encounters with him...does he court the "princess' in you, or bring out your 'worst and detestable nature'? Does the sight of him enthuse or detest you? Do you feel great or deflated after the long phone calls with him? Does his honey-coated flattery make your head swell, or is it the truth about what he tells you and sincere his words that scare you about him?
.....................
In closing this epistle, I wish to submit that I do not guarantee you that I have a 'one solution fits' all answers to your questions about how to make the choice between Kelly and Emeka. Like you said, one appeals to your emotion, and the other appeals to your logical mind but I would chip in that much as your emotional/logical natures are called to play in resolving issues like this...I would suggest that your logical/emotional preferences be influenced by your spiritual side...the realm where the Holy Spirit interacts with our deepest being.
You know how logical I can be...but God had proven time and again that I can't figure out issues of destiny with my mental acuity alone...hence I have found reason to believe the instruction that says..;
TRUST IN THE LORD WITH ALL YOUR HEART
LEAN NOT ON YOUR OWN UNDERSTANDING
IN ALL YOUR WAYS ACKNOWLEDGE HIM
AND HE SHALL DIRECT YOUR PATHS
Have a wonderful weekend and hope God uses these words of mine to minister to your anxious heart...and may His Peace that passes all understanding guard your heart...!
Can't believe I spent all this time writing all this...To God be praise!
Your big broda,
Felix-Abrahamz