Teenage Son and Daughter

The age disparity will do you in here. You are so far removed from “civilization” you are thinking of buying him a Sony Walkman, a tailor made suit or Florsheim shoes…just be warned, these gifts will further alienate him from you. To him you are the man with a funny accent from Africa who just doesn’t get it. To help you out here, try a gift item called Ipod. No..no..not just the ordinary Ipod, try the Ipod Nano or the Ipod with podcast and TV (forget the fact that you already own a 60” plasma in the house). Be warned, an Ipod is different from cocoa pod, which you are used to in Ondo. These are cabin-biscuit-shaped items that play music, louder than your antique Grundig and Gramophone put together.

 

Also you might want to try some Nike shoes (aka Sneakers), and please not the ones from K-Mart. Try the Jordan species…they can only be found in sports shops, and their prices can roof the entire house of your father-in-law in the village.

 

Another gift you can try is jeans pant, the very big ones that look like a Bata-dancer’s Aso-oke. Forget the fact that your son is a pint sized Sammy Davies Jr. type. These pants are so big that the US government no longer spends taxpayer’s money on sweeping the streets of America; teenagers (and midlife crisis husbands) do that with these jeans pants hanging down the crack of their derrière, with the base sweeping the streets like Iriabo masquerade.

 

As for your teenage daughter, may God have mercy on your soul, trying to figure out “what women really want”. Gone are the days of Barbie dolls and welcome to the world of BOW WOW (by the way, that used to be Little Bow Wow). You can try this Bow Wow’s CD or his poster where he is shirtless and has his big jeans hanging down the crack of his derriere.

 

Your teenage daughter’s complexity is a combination of her grandma and mama’s drama. You have to be diligent and not try to say forbidden words like “back in my days…” or else, the next time you hear from her it will be a collect call from Birmingham; (No, not Birmingham Alabama…Birmingham, England).

 

Your Boss

If you are an entrepreneur and you work for yourself, skip this bit…you are your own boss bro. For the corporate guys who work in tall buildings, please stop giving your white bosses Benin carvings and bronze sculptures. Do you think he is going to establish another Smithsonian Museum of African Tourist Art in his parlor? What makes you think a triple K man from Mobil, Alabama will put an African art in his living room? You should count yourself lucky, if not for stiff human resources policies in the office… by now you would have been History.

 

Your African American Office Girlfriend

If you send h

er one more Tie & Dye adire as Christmas gift, she will tie you with it and make sure you die. When was the last time you saw her wear the ones you have been sending? Can’t you tell she is not into those “we are all from the motherland” tomfoolery? Whatever Tie & Dye you have given her always end up as a wash clothe for her baby father’s Hyundai Elantra. If you still think these are the days of Stokely Carmichael’s Black Panther, wake up my dear Kwame Ture and smell the caffeine!

 

Your Step Brother

Why in the world would you want to give him a motorbike when you know he is a certified drunk? Do you want his inheritance too…? C’mon man, that is just a corny way of committing murder without doing time. If you must give him a gift, enroll him in an Anonymous Rehab for drunks, so he can sober up for a few days this holiday.

 

Your Pastor

How many Bibles do you have to give him before you realize he does not own a Christian Book Store? You have given him all the translations, and even the Igbo translation when the poor man is Yoruba…King James Version, New King James Version, King James International Study Bible, Bible from The King James Era for Pastors, Electronic King James Version…my brother, your pastor is not the crown prince of King James…enough already.

 

Your Sister-In-Law

Don’t buy her jack! Remember how she was player hating when you were dating her sister? She thinks she knows it all…no wonder she is still single at 45 drinking Colt 45 in her mama’s row house.

 

Brother-In-Law

Don’t let your wife know about this…but you can get him a liquor store gift card and he will spill the entire family secret at the next Thanksgiving dinner. That way you know where your wife got all her weird antics.

 

Your Single Mother Girlfriend

Finally, Ol’boy whatever you do, please do not give her one of those cheap and cheesy birthday-stone rings from the mall as an engagement ring…or those very annoying singing Christmas cards. She has enough singing toys driving her crazy in her apartment.

 

Dear all, that is all I can do for you this Christmas, if you stick to my advice you will have a Merry Christmas…whatever you do, make sure you at least get your beloved a gift. See you next year. I have to run…I hear Victoria Secret is having their annual sales…3 for the price of 1.