George Clooney bagged one last night…It’s unfortunate I did not see the movie Syriana before it closed. It was released on Al Jazeera network. And that week, there was also another movie showing in the same theatre titled Catch Me If You Can by Tora Bora Production featuring OBL.

What is the matter with Jennifer Aniston? She looked like a walking bonga fish. Again, they all looked like that. Is there a famine in Hollywood that I don’t know about? All the presenters looked underfed…except Queen Latifah; I think she is a Brokeback kinda gal. Remember her in Set It Off, that scene at the garage…if that is not a Brokeback Moment, I don’t know what is.

Every Hollywood babe that climbed that Oscar stage last Sunda should be sent to rehabilitation center, to be fed intravenously. The only thing they have to show for all the money they make was their boob job. The boobs looked like someone put too much clay on two walking sticks, and put a chemise on them. How do Hollywood restaurant make money? No wonder the tabs are so high. A simple cheeseburger is the same price as a Harvard Business School textbook.

How come nobody told me that Geisha was that important. Or is it different from the geisha sold in provisions store in Nigeria? I could write hundreds of memoirs on my memory of geisha as an undergrad, starting from how I used to eat eba and bread with the canned fish back in the day. At Bendel State University, Ekpoma (I don’t know what the school is called now, I just hope it is not Lucky Igbinedion University) in the 90s, the quickest way to relocate permanently to the toilet was to eat the egusi or okro soup at any of the bukas. So we resorted to cans and cans of geisha and sardine. We used geisha to eat anything. We smoked garri with it, ate roasted yam with it, ate roasted corn with it, we even gave it as gift to babes as a way of toasting them. Any student with good supply of geisha back then was like Iraq with oil before the Brokeback Mountain cowboy from Crawford ordered his boys there. We are talking about the Oscars, so lets continue…someone might be PATRIOTICally and ACTively listening.

The president of the Academy looked like he escaped from an asylum. Somebody should please tell him to go and shave, with his beards like that he bumped the Oscars from PG13. He scared away children, with his hair that looked like haystack scattered by two amorous Brokeback cowboys. They should have given him an Oscar for the best scary man on stage. He was the number one reason the Oscars rating fell 10% from last year’s rating. Nobody wants his or her kids to go to the Emergency ward for paroxysm because of a disheveled man.

The next scary thing was Samuel L. Jackson…good Lord, when was the last time he saw anybody wearing a buttoned down shirt on a tuxedo? Who is his fashion adviser, Condoleeza Rice?

Last night was good for hip hop and mafia…old America will never change, while they rewarded a bunch of pimps with heavy Oscar statutes that can easily become a weapon at after parties, they turned their back on the Brokeback cowboys.

A South African movie, Tsotsi that is yet to be released in the States won an Oscar. I was happy for them, but it was just strange and ridiculous when the white dude started shouting amandla! That is for black people, and it ain’t for the Oscars either. Amandla is reserved for something stronger than the Oscars, something as acidic as apartheid! Did he hear George Bush shouting Allahu Akbar the day Dick Cheney heartlessly shot a lawyer in the ass? The same law that prohibits a white man from calling a black man “my N-word”, no matter the level of his excitement, should also be the law preventing a white man from shouting Amandla! at the Oscars.

Oh, before I forget I saw some faces from last year’s Oscars. How time flies, the only thing I could recognize on Hillary Swank, the Million Dollar Baby of last year were her teeth.  She could easily have been any of the fishes from Shark Tales. She looked bulimic and anorexic, completely dried up with screaming cheekbones like a wooden sculpture by Elizabeth Catlett.

The only lady that saved the night at the Oscar was Salma Hayek. God bless her heart and the one sided gown that kept making one of her kaboozies bigger than the other, like a Muturu cow’s.

Ludacris looked very clean last night, with that cool tuxedo and tight Yoruba authentic corn-roll. I think he is trying to get a lead role in Brokeback Mountain for Black Cowboys.

The older Morgan Freeman gets, the more he looks like Wole Soyinka. I had to do a double take on him. I could not believe a great actor like him would be jumbling simple English lines from a prompter…I realized it was not Kongi when he started chewing the words. Hey somebody should tell him to ditch that earring, who does he think he is…Allen Iverson?

Jamie Foxx looked cool, except for his sister that accompanied him. She looked like a dancer at the Igwe Festival in Benin City…

Well, like I said earlier on, the Oscars was so boring that I crashed off, and by the time Crash won the best picture, I had gone through my third round of dreams with Halle Berry.