White Women, Black Women and the Joy of Sex

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I was having dinner last night with a group of friends somewhere in the Adams Morgan neighborhood when an admirer walked up to me to felicitate and inquire: “what’s next on your list of subjects to write about?” Well, since I don’t have such a list, I didn’t know what to say. As is commonly the case with me, I write whenever the spirit moves me. At other times, I write when I am sufficiently angry or befuddled. There is no routine to my style. I write when I have to write so long as I have ninety or so minutes to spare.

Taken aback by my new found friend’s inquiry, I said, “Sex…I’ll be writing about sex!”

The three members of my table, along with my new friend, went silent for about three seconds and then, almost in harmony, started chuckling…quietly and then loudly, followed by an uneasy silence and an inquisitive look. The stranger then asked: “pornography?” “No, no, no, that’s not what I am going to write about. I am not interested in writing about sex or lovemaking or about blowjobs or things like that. I am going to tell the story of two men, one white and one black, and their experiences with sexing outside their race” was my copious response.

I was thinking along that line because I remember the time a Ugandan friend came to me to reveal his joy-filled heart after his first sexual encounter with a White girl. Not long after that, he partook in a threesome with two White damsels. After all these years, he still revels in the blissful encounters. I also remember the request of a Caucasian colleague whose life ambition was to get into the pants of a Black woman. Week after week after week, that was all he talked about; that was all he wanted for breakfast, lunch and dinner — until fortune smiled at him. He is married to a Black woman now, but he keeps another as a mistress.

Anthony: You mean interracial sex…

Sabella: Sort of…

Bimpe: What’s so different or special about interracial sex?

Sabella: Well, there are those who think otherwise…that there is a world of difference

Ada: I don’t think so, sex is sex; with a black man or a white man…sex is sex

Nwachukwu: Oopss, not from what I know. My experiences are quite different

Sabella: How so?

Bimpe: Are you telling me what we do is different from what you’ve done in the past?

Anthony: Interesting, interesting…

Ada: Why are we having this discussion in the presence of someone we don’t know?

At this junction, I wanted to ask Anthony to leave, or hope he’ll take Ada’s subtle hint and leave. But he didn’t. Three or so minutes later, I thanked Anthony for his remarks regarding my leisure pursuits and hope he’ll continue to follow my work. He shook hands with everybody and was about to leave when his companion, an obvious African — who, as it turned out, has been his wife for six years — showed up. She is from the Indian Island nation of Zanzibar (Tanzania). How do we ask him and his wife to leave?

Anyways, before you knew it, Ada and Bimpe and Aiisha had begun to chit-chat about small and big stuff — there was an instant liking between the women. And before you knew it, a wait staff moved the seats to accommodate our new found friends. Half-an-hour later, Bimpe placed her right hand on Aiisha’s shoulder and asked: “what’s the difference between a black man and a white man?” There was no answer. There was no answer, only a startled and shy look from Aiisha. Then, her husband came to her rescue.

Bimpe: The question was whether there is a difference between what the whites and the black do in the bedroom; whether one race is better than the other when it comes to sex, or it is all just in our head? Personally, I read up on a lot of things. I bought theKama Sutra, the Sanskrit treatise when I was 21 living in Denmark…

Ada: Gosh…I got the Kama Sutra as a present on my 22nd birthday…ha, what that book can do for you…good lord, save my soul from the valley of fire!

Nwachukwu: Really? Does Sabella know you have it?

Sabella: Indeed, what that book can do for ones soul

Anthony: You all are into esoteric sex and toys…

Nwachukwu and I have been friends for over a decade. Until his marriage to Bimpe, I had not seen him with a Black woman. His last and penultimate girl friends were from Venezuela and Greece. Before that he dated a voluptuous red-hair from Texas. And even when he lived in Paris, he didn’t care much for African women. He liked the way non-Africans made him feel in and out of the bedroom. He referred to his French girlfriend’s vagina as the “talker” or the “grabber” because, according to him, her vagina talked to him, grabs and squeezes him. Bimpe’s is the same.

He swore her vagina made him do things he otherwise wouldn’t do: using his tongue and lips and fingers and things like that. He swore he sees apparitions every time they make love. He hears things. He swore Bimpe’s canal did things no other (African) canal has ever done. True or not, I may never know. But ever since he introduced her, I have not stopped imagining things, wondering: is she as good as she is cracked up to be? May the good Lord forgive my soul…I am burning with lust…a fiery desire!

Aiisha: I was untaken, a virgin when I met my husband…

Anthony: From anal to oral, barebacking, ménage a trios, to erotic massage, hogging and asphyxiation to using sex toys like strap-ons and dildo we’ve tried it all.

Ada: Are you familiar with felching, snowballing, teabagging, bukkabe, tribbing and autoeroticism?

Anthony: Welcome to my world… Have you guys tried outercourse, i.e. frottage, interfremoral intercourse, axillary and mammary intercourse, and mutual masturbation”

Bimpe: Hey Aiisha, have you experimented with the Kegel exerciser?

Aiisha: Of course! Of course!! I also bought me a nipple clamp last week.

Nwachukwu: Aiisha, doesn’t your culture forbid any of your sexual menus?

Aiisha: I am sure it does; but according to Alfred Kinsey “The only unnatural sex act is that which you cannot perform.” Whatever we imagine we do if it is not gratuitous. Three years in Paris, five years in Amsterdam and three years in New Orleans, and now DC…whatever remained of my originality was diluted by ‘Tony…

Anthony: It s getting late. By the way, what did you say you were going to write about?

Sabella: “Sex…I am going to write about sex!”

Anthony: In what context?

Sabella: A Black man and a White man and their attitude towards interracial sex…

Aiisha: We look forward to it…it’s been nice meeting you. And thanks for inviting us to your table. I hope we meet again…Thanks!

The conversation was surreal. Most conversations about sex generally take place in the privacy of one’s home. And in most cases, African women are wary of participating in such dialogue or even in admitting to taking part in or liking “outlandish sexual acts.”

The more I think about the conversation, the closer I get to the realization that African women are not as timid as most men may think they are. What their western and Latin counterparts can do, African women may match or do better.

About Sabella Ogbobode Abidde
Please, do not ask me about religion. I get the evil look every time I tell people I am an agnostic who teeters on atheism. My world resolves around ethics and the rule of law. That’s it. I have no use for religion: religious convictions are not part of my existence -- the laws of man are good enough for me. I have lived in several cities: Seattle, Miami, Norman, Minneapolis-Saint Paul, Saint Cloud, the District of Columbia, Houston, and Mankato. I am not sure where I am going to live next. And I have never really had a profession, only jobs: been a cook, a dishwasher, a civil servant, house cleaner, university instructor and researcher and so on and so forth. Every so often I get questions concerning the role and place of the African woman. Well, I don’t know; at least not with any certainty. What seems to work best is when both partners work as a team: cooperate, coordinate and collaborate their marital efforts. And they should be mindful of the insidious effect of modernization on the African family.

Posted in: Life Abroad

24 Comments

  1. Martha says:

    I’m a white woman, I’ve had white, hispanics, and blacks bf, but only with my current bb I experienced sexual pleasure i never thought i will ever had

  2. Robbie says:

    Lagosian,

    I can’t believe you are saying that African men aren’t able to offer pleasure to a woman! I’ve been dating a Nigerian man for a while and the sexual attraction is just unbelievable. When I mean attraction, I mean he does a good job fore-playing and he, differently from many Brazilians and latinos I’ve been with can make me come easily and many times. He knows how to control himself and we are still having 30-45 min of love making. I feel blessed!

  3. Lovebug says:

    Interesting ariticle. I’m a 43 y.o. white woman having delicious sex with my Nigerian lover. I have never experienced orgasm the way that I have with him. (I have never been with a black man before.) He does not come by foreplay, kissing and romance naturally but seems to be willing to try to learn. He has only dated white women in this country. Not sure why. I like his straightforward approach to lovemaking.

  4. Flower Power says:

    Im new to this site so hi. Im a black female third generation born in britain my grandfather on my mums side is ghanian and on my dads side his african & 1/4 indian. Now I dont know if its down to my ‘essex upbringing’ but i’m not sexually or physically attracted to black men in the slightest. i have black male friends but have never desired to be with a black man in bed. I get approached by both but white males the most. i am currently with an english/ irish man and we are expecting our first child in september. im obviously not rascist i just prefer white men but dont seem to know why lol…x maybe because they are physically a turn on for me in bed and i genuinely love my boyfriend.

  5. chanell says:

    hello to all. I have enjoyed reading everyones opinions. Now let me devulged mine. I am an african american women . Who has recently married a Ghanian Man. Who is 7 Yrs older than me. Now everyone is getting the point of view of the man but there is 2 sides to every story. By far African american men in the bedroom sex by far is the best. Most american men goes the extra mile of foreplay. oral sex , diffrent positions, role playing and the agressiveness that most women looks for in the bedroom. White men on the other hand is more adventures to the taboo sides of sexual gradtification. When white men date black women they like the fact that she can make him sumit to her every desire at the same time stimulating his enter most fantasies. where white women takes orders from her man and does everything to satify him. Which is why white women who seeks african american men want to be dominated by the ruff rugget exterior of there sexual stimulation. And vice aversa for the white man wanting a black women. Now being that said i have a african husband who at first sexually couldnt not for fill my sexual apetite. He didnt do much foreplay and he was always strait to the point which was a turn off for me. Until one day i took control and showed him how to please my body. Now dont get me wrong he package was wonderful with a little help it became phenominal. So with that said The Black man African or American wins when it comes to the war of the sexes . Thats coming from the a womens point of view.

  6. dhami8008 says:

    good

  7. Sista says:

    What about a connection, do you feel a connection with any race of a woman?

  8. Sista says:

    I am a African American woman who enjoys sex with the black man weather he is African or American. I am a spiritual person so to me, sex is not just sex. If sex is just sex, an act between two individuals, one mine as well go and screw around with dogs and horses like some people have done because to them, sex is just sex. I think it is small minded and short sided to impulsively make such a statement “Sex is just Sex”

    The images that attempt to go down in my mind as I read this article are these, the African man is a sex monger who craves sex with white woman because the African woman has no hope in sexually satifying him. The African man is better of being sexually satisfied by any other woman besides the African woman.

    This is the truth however, the African man is sexually and spiritually frustrated. The African woman is in desperate need of sexual and spiritual liberation. Both the African man and woman have issues. I think this is due to the African Taboos which link back to the African woman. I think the Taboos are a result of the black mans inferiority and jealousy of the black woman. The African man due to his inferiority has subconsciously imprisoned the black woman. The result is, she has become become Mary like, like the Virgin Mary. In the African mans eyes, if she is like Mary and does not show how great she is in bed, she is less likely to desire another man over him. In other words, give up her good love to another man when he is not looking. Weather the African man knows this or not, subconsciously this is what the African woman feels and subconsciously this is what the African man conveys. Why is it that in many parts of Africa if the woman is caught cheating, she is blamed and kicked out of the village or family, yet if the African man cheats, he is forgiven and the woman he cheated with is the village whore, why is that?

    This topic needs to deal with the issues of sex between the African man and woman and how to make positive changes so that neither of them will seek sex outside of each other. It should not indirectly and subtly promote that interracial sex is better and more desirable. This is the problem amongst African people, we are to busy trying to meet up to white standards instead of creating our own.

  9. Lolly says:

    Sugabelly calm down! It’s not everyone who gets uncomfortable over discussing sex that is frigid or doesn’t enjoy having it. In my experience, a lot of empty bellies rumble when nothing dey inside.

    Lagosian, I pity you. Don’t take offense, but Africans have more stamina and are far more virile than other races…not that others don’t have their strong points, I mean oral sex and anal sex were not perfected in Africa hahahaha. So, if you don’t find us attractive, that’s your preference…a lot of others do and can attest to our qualities.

    Abeg, Hadiza and co, speak your mind. Like Religion and Politics, there’ll never be any kind of general consensus…even people who only date outside their race have different reasons for doing so. It’s not only loudly praising the chef that shows appreciation of food well cooked, some show it by helping do dishes or giving me back massages!

    I’ve found that the only consistent difference between white and black (with the lights turned off), is texture of skin and hair. Enough said.

  10. shaun smith says:

    I had sex with, a black woman once she said that she found the caucasian male profile sexy. That was at university, im 32 now and am single througth cholice. But do, think that black woman are vivicious, and slightly exotic. The stereotypes, of race is a phantasm this is because, most of the ignorence in this world is accepted without investigation. I wouldnt, go out exclusively looking for ebony maidans.

    But if a intelligent friendly, one come along i would consider a interracial relationship. But the dichotomy, this can cause in families is a poignent reminder that racism hasnt gone.

  11. traveler4U says:

    Until recently I had never slept with an African man. I am black/white and American. The first African man would participate in oral on me. He tried once and thought oral sex was not normal. I have never a white guy that didn’t enjoy me orally. Some Africans and some whites just like contrast. My current boyfriend is African and does foreplay etc. It’s not the race, but the culture and person. If one lives where it is difficult to bath I can understand not wanting oral. I mean not just a shower but a bathtub. Clean and sweet is important for the male and female.

  12. sue says:

    Lagosian, you are wrong, i am here to tell you that i have had a very memorable experience with an african man, so much so i am still with him after 3 years. He is very good at foreplay andb performance. Cant even think of going anywhere else, the best ever. aoh yeah, i am white female…

  13. Ade says:

    Utter balderdash. Black, White, Puerto Rican or Asian, sex is all in the mind. Imagination is never satisfied, and when comes to stuff like sex it’s best you practice restraint. That said, Indian babes are like woah. Once you can get past their initial conservativeness, they are so open to new stuff, if you know what I mean. 4 Shizzle.

  14. Lagosian says:

    Hispanic and Caucasian men to be by far more facially attractive than African men and that makes it difficult for a African women to get “wet” in the face-to-face missionary style sex. And to make matters worse, they (African men) are usually poor partners at foreplay and a considerable amount of time has to be spent teaching an old dog new tricks so to speak. This is not the case with white, latino, and even asian men who learn these female-pleasing tactics from a younger age and even pride themselves on these tactics. An African man on the other hand will pride himself on boasting to his male colleagues about how much sex he gets, how little he has to give to the woman, and even brags about how great he is in bed, yet till today there are no accounts of any woman anywhere stating that she had memorable sexual experience with an African man.

  15. yop says:

    happy entertainment

  16. sugabelly says:

    charlotte read my reply to Hazima. It applies to you too.

  17. sugabelly says:

    Oh please Hazima, please take your frigid self somewhere else. Nigerians HAVE and ENJOY sex, (well maybe except you) so there! If you don’t like sex, we like sex. Nobody is asking you to have it. There is nothing pornographic about this article, he is simply discussing and exploring a topic that needs to be talked about more often to ensure mutual satisfaction of Nigerian men AND women. Nigerian women are often paranoid about the idea that Nigerian men prefer women of other races, and Nigerian men often complain that Nigerian women are not as sexually adventurous as they would like, so it is good to talk about it and explore different kinds of sex to see what we like best or what pleases our partner. Sex can be very intellectual. Actually it IS intellectual. You are obviously made highly uncomfortable by sex, and I pity you because you’re missing a beautiful physical and emotional experience. Sorry oh!!

  18. charlotte says:

    What more could be expected of "black men" who, by their very black neuro anatomy have their limbic neurons in a high state of excitement at the very thought of a white crotch.

  19. Hazima Karanja says:

    Sabella

    I have read a lot of your articles on this website but I am very dissappointed that you have lowered your literacy standards to talk about sex in this explicit manner.

    You are feeding into the sterotype that the black man is nothing more than an "oversexed animal" who is always on the prowl for white women.

    You might have well have put this article on a pornograpic website. I am surprised that the editors of this website allowed you to place such a rauncy article in here.

    Aren't there any intellectual topics you can write about? I thought this was a website where Nigerians home and in the diaspora could come and discuss about important issues. Instead you are writing articles about the differences in having sex with black and white women.

    Shame on you!!!

  20. Felix says:

    Just a response to Chichi's comment:

    Though sex has become a pervasive part of humanity today, but i dare say "Everyone is not doing it" cos I know a whole lot of people, both in naija and diaspora who aint doing it. But that's not to say sex is not worth writing about.It's a beautiful thing that God created but something of worth…like jewels…can become trivialised like when a golden nugget is thrown to swines.They'd devalue it cos when the purpose of a thing ( sex inclusive) is not respected, abuse becomes inevitable. So it's worth talking about afterall, the secrecy with which our parents discussed it in hushed tunes,made us so curious as to go into adventures as teens, but we could've had a better attitude is we had a better and balanced understsndign of what sex is all about…but I doubt it's all for assuaging our erotica alone.

  21. kennedy says:

    Sabella,

    U are too much and i for one respect your literary skills.All those professional words or jagons u used in your essay where do i have to look it up b/c they are not in my dictionary.

    There are a lot of factors at play when u compare a black woman and a white woman in bed eg Submission, flexibility, skill, connectedness,speaking of incomprehensible language,moaning,tonguing all the tonguables, knowledge of erogenous zones, texture of the skin, willingness to change positions, etc. The white woman is far much better in all the aforementioned except body texture.The body of a black woman is second to none but averagely they are just logs of wood on our beds b/c of their prententious nature. They don't want to be depicted as people who are lacking in morals hence they pretend to be chaste about sex. Thats why I said that a white woman is better in all ramifications apart from body texture.if u have any misgivings then try and sample the two.

  22. Prince kennedy Iyoha says:

    Mr. Sabella Ogbobode Abidde

    This is an interesting topic. Actually, there are lots of differences in sexual relationships between African women, and her European o American counterpart. I have observed, however that the African women seem to be more resaved and somehow timid to demonstrate her fillings while in bed. Beside unlike her European o American counterpart, there are freer in bed, and get wet quickly thereby allowing you to enjoy your penetrations easily. The African women takes time to get wet thereby dificulting a free and easy penetration, in most cases you may get hurt in the process. The European o American women is also very flexible while in bed, allowing you to manipulate her to what ever position you may want unlike the African women that is somehow very hard and in most cases get tired very often.

  23. chichi says:

    Sex is worth writing about. Hey, everyone is doing it, so lets talk about it.

  24. Rosie says:

    Borrowing your expression, I am befuddled!

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